37--The Ultimate Encounter, Ch.9

December 19.

Steelheart’s Office, Hawkhaven.

t Hawkhaven, Kevin arrived in Steelheart’s office. “Hello, Kevin,” said Steelheart. “I’m glad you could make it.”

“Thank you,” said Kevin. “Has you-know-who gotten here yet?”

“No, he hasn’t,” said Steelheart. “He’s still—” An alarm sounded. “Uh, oh. I bet he is, actually.” She activated the viewscreen to show the space above Bedlama. Metroid decloaked. A warp opened in the office, and Ludwig came through.

“Good afternoon, Steelheart and Kevin,” said Ludwig. “Thank you for inviting me.”

“You’re welcome,” said Steelheart. “Thanks for coming. Please be seated.” Kevin sat down on the couch along the left wall of the room. Ludwig von(Bowser)Koopa sat in the chair across from Steelheart, who was sitting at her desk. Three knocks hit the door. “Come in.” The Wilytwins entered. “Well, hello, Thunder Kittens.”

“Hi, Steelheart,” said Wilykit.

“Do you want to join us?”

“Will you let us?”

“Do you have Lion‑O’s permission?”

“Yes, we do. He actually asked us to come as his eyes and ears.”

“All right. Come on in.” Steelheart got up as Wilykat closed the door. She opened a closet door and removed two chairs. She put them near the couch. “Have a seat, guys.” The Thunder Kittens sat in the chairs as Steelheart returned to her own chair.

Ludwig got a radio out of his shell. “Liquidator, recloak Metroid.” Metroid shimmered out of view.

“All right, lady and gentlemen, this meeting has been called to establish the assurance that neither group has motive to do anything dishonest in this race,” said Steelheart. “We will set the reward for the team who wins the long race ahead. In other words, if my team wins, you will have to do something for my group. If your team wins, Ludwig, we will have to do something for your group.”

“That’s fair,” said Ludwig.

“I agree,” said Kevin.

“Suggestions?” said Steelheart.

“Here’s my suggestion, Steelheart,” said Ludwig. “If your group wins, my team and I shall relinquish our terror on Limbo, third‑Earth, the Kingdom of the Mushroom World, the Kingdom of VideoLand, and Saint Canard for Christmas Week. If my group wins, you will relinquish your surveillance on Brim*Star, the Pyramid, Sky Tomb, Castle Plundarr, the Kingdom of Koopa of the Kingdom of the Mushroom World, and the Planet Metroid for that period. Of course, if any of us venture forth to do unkind things, you may still attempt to stop it. How does that sound?”

Steelheart sat back and considered this. “Not bad. Anything else?”

“I know of an honestly earned sum of 15 million VideoLand pounds floating around in my vault on Metroid. They can be divided into fifteen parts, each part for one of the fifteen competing members of the winning team.”

“How much is that in dollars?” asked Steelheart.

“I believe that one VideoLand pound is roughly equal in value to a Limbo dollar.”

“Fifteen million Limbo dollars? Wow. Divided by fifteen, that would make a million per member for the winning team. That is an H of a lot of money.”

“Please,” said Ludwig. “If you are going to say a word, why not say it instead of using the first letter? I may not be too fond of the words myself, but it feels a little better when I say it out. That way, the word is no longer inside me. Besides, using the word can help get a lot out of one’s system.”

“If she believed in corporal punishment, my mom might skin me alive if she ever heard one of those words pass through my lips,” said Steelheart.

“Oh, one of the more old‑fashioned mothers,” said Steelheart.

“Oh, she definitely is not,” said Kevin. “She’s pretty cool about many things. As it appears, though, we both come from Earth, but at different time periods. In the present time on your Earth, it’s the thirtieth century, while in the present time on my Earth, it’s the twentieth century.”

“Ah, yours is the time period of a certain president,” said Steelheart. “President Roper. Thanks to him, the economy of the United States eventually fell apart uncontrollably near the end of the 21st century and in the year 2101, the terrible World War III came about. I tell you, if the national debt had not gotten so high in the first place, the stupid war would not have come about. It’s a wonder that the planet stay in one piece. I mean, that’s the only explanation for Europe’s willingness to unify and stop the war before it could destroy the world.”

“Wait a minute,” said Kevin. “How do you recall all of this stuff?”

“In January 2098, a French scientist named Jean-François Benoit discovered the key to making advanced computer devices similar to those that you probably saw on the Star Trek series. His computers were a little less advanced at the time, seeing as how they were a swift job. They made keeping up with historical facts far easier than the way you’re accustomed to: keeping things written down in books. They revolutionized the entire world because of their low power requirement and high capacity of memory and operations.

“When it was discovered how resourceful and handy those things were, one’s entire high school curriculum could be programmed into the computer, and one could move along at one’s own pace, instead of moving at a teacher’s pace. That did not get rid of the teachers, however, for several students can’t work without the aid of a real, live human being standing up there and demonstrating, say, playing a violin, something I also happen to do.

“One of this computer type’s most useful applications is in learning other languages. The device has sophisticated microphones that are remarkably more acutely tuned to the sound of your voice than a human’s ear. Its user-friendliness is very good. It has helped me to learn several languages. Since the creation of the United Republic of Europe, knowing several languages is even more of a necessity now than it was back in the twentieth century. There are several main languages in Europe, especially English, French, German, Italian, and Spanish. In Asia, they are English, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, and Indian.

“Anyway, whether I went off on a trigonometric tangent or a tangent line that touches a curve at only one point, I did go off on a tangent. And I think that I had your answer mingled somewhere in there, Kevin. The Star Trek‑type computers were invented by a French scientist in the latter twenty-first century for an easier way of inputting commands into a computer and interacting with it. Everything was transferred from all of the most advanced English, science, social studies, mathematics, foreign language, and vocational information on file into these computers, and it made the United States jump from one of the lower-scoring countries of the first world to the highest. This leap occurred about 2296, and scores have remained high to the present day.”

“I see,” said Kevin.

“In a few moments, the Brain-Team will descend to Bedlama and begin their testing,” said Ludwig. “Want to watch?”

“Yes, please,” said Steelheart.

“Very good.” Ludwig set a frequency on the monitor. It the space above Bedlama. “My friends, Liquidator and MotherBrain, are getting my other friends, my idiots, and everyone else’s idiots in line for this race as we speak. They will call me as soon as everything is ready.”

Ludwig’s radio activated automatically. Liquidator’s voice emerged. “This is Liquidator calling Ludwig. Over.”

“What is the code?” asked Ludwig.

“The violent violin’s volume caused veritable vexation to very vain vampire-hunters.”

“Excellent. What’s up, Liquie?”

“We are ready.”

“Good. Disengage the cloaking device. Then, get all the racers to Bedlama.”

“Yes, Prince L. Liquidator out.” On the viewscreen, Metroid shimmered into view.

“ ‘The violent violin’s volume caused veritable vexation to very vain vampire-hunters.’ Does this alliterative statement refer to Simon Belmont?” asked Wilykit.

“It certainly does, Wilykit,” said Ludwig. “He is as vain as MotherBrain and my sister Wendy. Can we magnify Bedlama so that we can see the starting line?”

“Yes, Ludwig,” said Steelheart. With the controls at her desk, she adjusted the picture on the screen so that the area of the starting line was seen.

“All right,” said Ludwig. “Now we’re cooking. We’re just about ready to watch my other friends, my idiots, and my friends’ idiots race. I’m the only one disqualified, though we seriously considered omitting Eggplant Wizard, King Hippo, Mouser, Try‑Clyde, and some others.”

“Good,” said Steelheart. “I understand that multi-linguality is necessary for successful communication throughout VideoLand. Can you believe that Link and Zelda know no Spanish?”

Ludwig thought for a few moments, formulating his answer. “Well, come to think of it, I do. During its developmental stages, when it was a group of feudal kingdoms, Hyrule had several languages: Hylian, Hyrulian, Midorian, and several others. At this time, early MegaLand explorers visited many worlds throughout the current VideoLand, including Hyrule. MegaLand meddled far more than they realized, spreading their languages around these worlds. Being a world of particularly adaptive people, Hyrule was swiftly adopted MegaLand’s languages, in part because many of them deified the MegaLand visitors. Before the birth of the Link that ventured into the Dark World of Hyrule, saved the seven maidens in the crystal cocoons, and defeated Ganon, the languages of English, German, French, Spanish, and Italian had become widespread.

“Down the road, the only problem was that one king was only willing to speak German and English, so he decreed German and English as the official languages, making people in their kingdom learn English or German or not talk at all. Very silly, if thou askest me! Then again, he was not a wise king in other matters, either. His successor’s time as ruler was mostly spent in undoing the damage that he had done.

“In time, the present Princess Zelda’s father passed a law saying that people could speak any languages they chose, so the learned people of Hyrule have been visiting the Palace to relearn their other original languages, especially French, Spanish, and Italian. Does that explain it for you, Steelheart?”

“Yes, I’d say it does,” said Steelheart. “Really, I’ve only started studying Hyrulian history.”

“I think that you’ll find it quite interesting,” said Ludwig. “Unless history authors take off large chunks of Hyrule’s history or edit like mad, there’s no way to detract from the interest of Hyrulian history. In many respects, you may either thank or blame Ganon for that. There are valid arguments both for and against many things that he has done. Mostly against, of course.”

Liquidator’s voice came in over the radio again. “This is Liquidator to Ludwig.”

“Ludwig here. What’s up, Liquidator?”

“We’re down here, and we’re ready to start up.”

“Good. Good luck, my friend.”

“Thank you very much, sir.”

“Don’t mention it. I’m watching.”

“I know. Talk to you later.”

“See you later, Liquie.” Ludwig cut the transmission. “Let’s sit back and watch.” Ludwig settled into a position so he could easily watch the screen and sat back comfortably in his chair.

* * *

Later, the winner of the race, Liquidator, warped into the room. “Good work, Liquidator,” said Ludwig. “You won.”

“Thanks, Ludwig,” said Liquidator. “It was pretty hard to beat that lady, Melodia.”

Melodia warped into the room. “How dare you have the audacity to insinuate that I am a lady,” she cried. “I would have preferred that you use a different word. I am not a lady!” She fired a music laser at him, and he barely dodged it. “Get my point, water-body?”

“I understand,” said Liquidator. “You are not a lady.”

“Thank you, Liquidator,” said Melodia. “Are the racers for the Brain-Team determined yet?”

Ludwig consulted his list. “The order of racers at the finish line is as follows, from first to last place: Liquidator, Melodia, MotherBrain—that one surprised me a little—, Mon*Star, Windhammer, Luna & Amok, S‑s‑slithe, Mumm‑ra, Mega Volt, Larry (Bowser)Koopa, Negaduck, King Bowser Koopa, Aluro, Mo‑Lec‑U‑Lar, Quacker Jack, Ridley, ProtoMan, Pokerface, A‑Tom‑U‑Lar, Chilla, Bushroot, Buzz‑Saw, Zero, Red‑eye, Roy (Bowser)Koopa, Wendy O. (Bowser)Koopa, Tug‑Mug, Morton (Bowser)Koopa, Lemmy (Bowser)Koopa, Iggy (Bowser)Koopa, Mumbo-Jumbo, Timestopper, Hardware, Flintheart Glomgold, Dr. Wily, Don Karnage, Yes‑Man, Ma Beagle, Big Time Beagle, Steelbeak, Ammonia Pine, Moliarity, Nimnul, Tuskerninni, Mouser, Monkian, Jackalman, Vultureman, Bouncer Beagle, Burger Beagle, Try‑Clyde, Koopa-Troopa, King Hippo, Eggplant Wizard, Dump Truck, and Mad Dog. The racers will be the first fifteen mentioned: Liquidator, Melodia, MotherBrain, Mon*Star, Windhammer, Luna & Amok, S‑s‑slithe, Mumm‑ra, Mega Volt, Larry (Bowser)Koopa, Negaduck, King Bowser Koopa, Aluro, Mo‑Lec‑U‑Lar, and Quacker Jack.”

“Okay,” said Steelheart. “We’ve gotten this evaluation stuff finished before the target date and time. I suggest that we hold a conference with the racers of each group. Since the first officers of each just happened to be in first place, I think we shall not have to worry about saying that they are to be present. Of course, you and I need to be there, Ludwig.”

“An excellent idea, Steelheart,” said Ludwig. “Where do you suggest?”

“How about the meeting room in the Palace of Power?” suggested Steelheart.

“Good idea. Let’s get to it.”

* * *

Meeting Room, Palace of Power, VideoLand.

An hour later, in the Palace of Power’s meeting room, the proposed meeting began with the racers and leaders of each team: (from the N‑Team) Steelheart, Captain N, Copper-Kidd, Darkwing Duck, Bluegrass, Quicksilver, Prince Ludwig von(Spike)Koopa, Prince Larry (Spike)Koopa, Steelwill, Lion‑O, Tygra, Cheetara, Panthro, Perry Mason, Della Street, Lt. Tragg, (from the Brain-Team) Prince Ludwig von(Bowser)Koopa, Liquidator, Melodia, MotherBrain, Mon*Star, Windhammer, Luna, Amok, S‑s‑slithe, Mumm‑ra, Mega Volt, Prince Larry (Bowser)Koopa, Negaduck, King Bowser Koopa, Aluro, Mo‑Lec‑U‑Lar, and Quacker Jack. They sat on opposite sides of the table, Steelheart being at the far end on one side and Ludwig Bowser being at the far end on the other side. Both were to the left of the first officers of their groups. Along the long side of the table, both teams were organized so that the best racer was to the right of the leader and it progressed from first place to fifteenth place from left to right, so that Kevin was across from Quacker Jack, Lt. Tragg was opposite Liquidator, and so on. Princess Lana and the Thunder Kittens were present to help sustain order in the room, plus Steelheart had to speak with Wilykat and Wilykit after this.

“I don’t know if you have to be able to understand the statement I’m about to make,” said Lana. “It is written in Italian and, by tradition, it is always read in Italian. My predecessors have dictated that it be said at the beginning of meetings between enemy parties. Please bear with me, as I am not an expert in pronouncing Italian.” Slowly, she read from her tablet. “A Dio, noi giuriamo di ritenere la pace durante questa riunione. There! Now that that is out of the way, I would like to know what it means.”

“In English, it goes: ‘To God, we swear to keep peace during this meeting,’ ” said Ludwig.

Everyone nodded. “I understand,” said Lana.

“All right, let’s get this meeting underway,” said Steelheart. “The first order of business for this meeting is to establish a few little rules.”

“Yes,” said Ludwig. “These ‘little rules’ are to ensure the safety and honesty of the racers. Anyone in the room who has a suggestion should raise their hand and make it. Then, we all vote on whether to adopt it. Is that fine?” Everyone nodded.

“That’s acceptable,” said Steelheart.

“Okay,” said Ludwig.

“Well, a good song always gets my brain to workin’,” said Bluegrass.

“Anything to help us think,” said Steelheart.

“All right,” said Bluegrass. He got his guitar, turned off the laser, and began to sing the Mexican song La Cucaracha—in Spanish, of course. Once he finished, a couple of people applauded very slowly. “A warm reception,” he said.

“No offense, Bluegrass, but who wants to hear a song about a silly cockroach who can’t walk and Pancho Villa without his shirt?” said Steelheart.

“Indeed,” Melodia interjected.

“Well, pardon me,” said Bluegrass. “It has historical significance. It pokes fun at the Mexican Revolution.”

“Okay,” said Ludwig. “We’re not here to discuss or debate Mexican history, interesting though it may be. We are here to talk about the race.”

“I know!” said Liquidator. “Let’s make it so that all members who are of both teams and who are not racing are required to watch all races to make sure that those who do race do not violate any rules and to make sure that the members of our team not racing will not try to do any wicked deed.”

“Hey, now that is a good idea,” said Darkwing. “What think you, Commander and Captain?”

“Since many of the people in our home regions will probably attend the race, I tend to approve of it,” said Steelheart. “And you, Kevin?”

“I agree,” said Kevin. “Let’s put this to a vote, shall we?”

Ludwig surreptitiously winked at Liquidator in approval. Liquidator had done well. “All racers in favor of the proposed plan, say ‘I,’ ” said Ludwig. “All not in favor of it, say ‘not me.’ ”

“I,” said Captain N.

“I,” said Liquidator.

“I,” said Copper-Kidd.

“Not me,” said Melodia. Ludwig glared at her for a moment.

“I,” said Darkwing.

“I,” said MotherBrain.

“I,” said Bluegrass.

“I,” said Mon*Star.

“I,” said Quicksilver.

“I,” said Windhammer.

“I,” said Prince Ludwig von(Spike)Koopa.

“I,” said Luna.

“I,” said Larry (Spike)Koopa.

“Yes, I too,” said S‑s‑slithe.

“I,” said Steelwill.

“I,” said Mumm‑ra.

“I,” said Lion‑O.

“I say I,” said Mega Volt.

“I,” said Tygra.

“I,” said Larry (Bowser)Koopa.

“I,” said Cheetara.

“Negaduck says, ‘I,’ ” said Negaduck.

“I,” said Panthro.

“I,” said King Bowser Koopa.

“I,” said Perry Mason.

“I,” said Aluro.

“I,” said Della Street.

“Ch-ch-ch-ch, I,” said Mo‑Lec‑U‑Lar.

“I,” said Tragg.

“I,” said Quacker Jack. He got out Mr. Banana-Brain, his puppet. “What do you think, Mr. Banana-Brain?”

He then used ventriloquism and spoke in falsetto to make it seem that Mr. Banana-Brain spoke. “I don’t know about you, but I disapprove of the rule, fool!”

Quacker Jack returned to his normal voice. “Well, then, be that way.” He forcefully crammed Mr. Banana-Brain back into his pocket. “Stuffed dolls nowadays. You can’t teach them any manners.”

“Shut up, QJ,” said Mega Volt. “One melodically disharmonious person said not me and twenty-nine yes, so it is now a rule. True?”

“True, Mega Volt,” said Ludwig. “Someone write it down.”

Lana got out a sheet of paper and wrote the rule on it:

1. All members of both teams who are not racing must be present at all the races. No exceptions!

She took it over to Ludwig von(Bowser)Koopa. “Good,” said Ludwig when he had read it.

“Ah‑ha,” said Mega Volt. “I think something is coming. I’ve got it! ‘I’ or ‘not me’ to the following rule: ‘A racer must help a teammate who has lost control of his or her vehicle.’ How about it?”

“Well, I think it’s a good rule,” said Steelheart.

“Yes, so do I,” said Ludwig. “All in favor, say ‘I’; all not in favor, say ‘not I.’ ” This time all racers without exception said ‘I.’ Of course, Quacker Jack had Mr. Banana-Brain complain again. Lana wrote down the rule as Mega Volt had said it. They spent the rest of the day making rules. Most rules were approved, though a few were rejected. And everyone was about ready to do serious damage to Mr. Banana-Brain!

At the end of the meeting, Ludwig rose. “First race: tomorrow at noon. Right?”

“Right,” said Steelheart. She got up as everyone else stood and as Ludwig came toward her. Ludwig shook hands with her.

“I sincerely hope that you have a nice day,” said Ludwig. “I’ll see you tomorrow at noon. Thank you for letting us meet in your palace, Princess. Let’s go, guys.” All members of the Brain-Team went into a warp to Metroid. As the N‑Team members looked out the window, they saw Metroid turn away and recloak.

Kevin looked over the rules. “Not bad work.”

“I agree,” said Steelheart. “They help and restrict both teams at the same time.”

“True. Well, it’s getting rather late, and I’d think that one would need one’s rest before a trying race the next day.”

“Agreed. Good night, racers. Get plenty of rest for tomorrow.” Everyone told each other ‘good night’ or something on that line and left. Within a few minutes, only Steelheart and the Thunder Kittens remained.

“What can we do for you, Commander?” asked Wilykat.

“I hate to do this to you, Thunder Kittens, but I need you two to go to Metroid and spy on the Brain-Team in order to make sure that they don’t decide to cheat or do anything else dishonest,” said Steelheart. “Okay? I think Ludwig’s got something up his evil shell.”

Wilykat shook his head, while Wilykit nodded. Wilykat said, “No,” beginning when Wilykit said, “Yes.”

“Why not, Wilykat?” asked Steelheart.

“It’s full of creepy creatures that just love to eat one’s energy for breakfast,” said Wilykat. “And besides, it’s past my bedtime.”

“That never stopped us from following the Thunder Cats on an adventure when they told us to stay at the Lair before,” said Wilykit.

“Well,” said Wilykat, “we usually got into some form of trouble doing that—both with the creatures we were after and with the other Thunder Cats.”

“Well, we have permission this time. Maybe that will make a difference.”

“We have no weapons except our pellets, and we don’t know Metroid’s layout. Is that enough for you?”

“I have a suggestion for getting a map to Metroid,” said Steelheart. “You might go to Captain N and ask politely for a map to Metroid, and he can probably give it to you. I can find Metroid and open a warp to it. Is that a good enough to get you to go?”

“It might if we had something to fight off those creatures,” snapped Wilykat.

“Silly little brother,” said Wilykit. “We’re going.”

“No, we aren’t, Wilykit.”

“If it’ll change your mind, I’ll get someone to help you out,” said Steelheart. She activated the intercom. “Darkwing Duck, this is Steelheart. Please return to the meeting room.” Smoke appeared in the middle of the table. It was Darkwing’s trademark blue smoke. That conceited duck, Steelheart thought to herself.

“I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the newscast that interrupts a villain’s favorite program.” The smoke dissipated, revealing Darkwing. “I am Darkwing Duck!” Darkwing shot his grappler at the ceiling. It snagged a strong pipe. He swung Tarzan-style to the others. “Good evening, my friends. Why did you call?”

“Steelheart asked us to go to Metroid to spy on our race rivals,” said Wilykit. “Wilykat is afraid to go to Metroid without weapons other than his gas‑pellets, yet having no weapons but our pellets, we had the boldness to help cause some trouble in the past.”

“Now I don’t think that I quite said that,” said Wilykat.

“Well, it certainly was similar to that,” said Wilykit. “We’re going, Wilykat.”

“Sisters,” remarked Wilykat. “Count on them to side with the adults.”

“Cut it out, Wilykat. We are going. I am the older sibling. Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”

“Well, I have some nerve gas that may have a pretty amusing effect on their creatures,” said Darkwing. “Can we open a warp to Metroid, Steelheart?” They went to the throne room.

Steelheart went to a computer. “Let’s see if I have the basics down for opening warps.” She typed in a command. “Ah, good. I can target Metroid.” A warp opened. “There’s your warp, guys.”

“Let’s go,” said Wilykit.

“But I—” began Wilykat. He stopped immediately when Darkwing grabbed his arm and led him through.

“Steelheart, I have no explanation,” said Wilykit, feeling that Wilykat’s refusal was her fault because she was the older sibling.

“That’s all right,” said Steelheart. “It is dangerous over there. Don’t worry about it, Wilykit. I know how exasperating a twin brother can be. It is not your fault.”

“Well, I’m going. See you later, Commander.”

“See you later, Wilykit.”

* * *

Tourian, Metroid, VideoLand.

On the world of Metroid, the Thunder Kittens arrived with Darkwing in a conduit in Tourian. They crawled toward the control chamber. Wilykit led the way, while Darkwing brought up the rear. “Whew, it sure is hot in here,” said Wilykat.

“That had better not be an excuse to leave,” Darkwing said.

“It’s not. I’m just making an observation. You did drag me here for observations, didn’t you?”

“Yes, but some observations are more annoying than others. Get me?”

“Gotcha.”

Wilykit sniffed the air. “What an awful stink. That putrid odor must be coming from the control chamber. It smells like Bushroot’s stinkweed.”

Darkwing sniffed the air. “Peyew, you’re right. That can only be Melon-head himself. Follow that stink.”

“Yes, Wingy,” said Wilykit.

“What about that observation?” said Wilykat. “Didn’t that annoy you?”

“That was a helpful observation, my dear Wilykat,” said Darkwing. “It was a lead.”

“All right,” said Wilykat.

They soon arrived in a ventilation shaft above the control chamber. “I think we’re here,” said Wilykit softly. She looked around. “Well, I’ll be beat if the room with MotherBrain, the whole Fearsome Five, and Ludwig is not the control room.”

“Good tracking, Wilykit,” said Darkwing. “Let’s listen in.”

“This is the 19th of December 1992,” said Ludwig von(Bowser)Koopa in the control chamber. “We are definitely well ahead of schedule.”

“Yes, I would agree on that,” said Mega Volt. “How about you, Melon-head?”

“Ooh, I hate it when people are so unkind to me as to call me Melon-head,” cried Bushroot. He grew plants from the floor to grab Mega Volt by the arms. “Don’t you hate it when people call you Sparky?”

The plugs on Mega Volt’s helmet glowed. “You call me ‘Sparky,’ and I’ll call you a microwave dinner.” Mega Volt fried Bushroot with a beam from his plug-helmet. “Get it, Bushroot?”

“Mega Volt, who in the Fearsome Five don’t you have it in for?” asked Liquidator.

“I don’t have it in for anyone on our team, Liquidator. I just hate it when people call me ‘Sparky’! It drives me out of my mind.”

“Well, you started it, Mega Ohm,” said Bushroot in taunting tones. “You called me ‘Melon-head.’ ”

“So, that’s no excuse for your calling me ‘Sparky’! Your temper got too short.”

“Well, look who’s talking: the Wattanardo da Vinci of the atom-long temper set.”

“Ooh! That’s it, Bushy. Don’t say anything to me in that manner for the next few hours, or I know what fresh veggie is going to be on the dinner table for me tomorrow night.” Mega Volt stormed out of the room.

“You, know, Bushroot, you really shouldn’t get on Sparky’s bad side,” said Quacker Jack.

From the corridor by which Mega Volt left, they heard Mega Volt’s voice screaming. “Don’t call me ‘Sparky’!” A beam of electricity headed into the room, after Quacker Jack. Quacker Jack tried to run, but he got shocked before he moved. “Got that, Chuckles?”

“Don’t call me ‘Chuckles’ anymore, Mega Volt!” cried Quacker Jack. Unlike Mega Volt or Bushroot, he sent no weapons to hurt Mega Volt. “Boy, does he have a foul temper!”

“You don’t know how foul it can get,” said Negaduck. “He evaporated Waterhead for calling him that. Oops!”

“You know, nine out of ten dentists would recommend that one never call me ‘Waterhead,’ ” said Liquidator. He turned his right fist into a mallet and then hit Negaduck in the mouth. A second later, Liquidator’s natural good humor returned. “So, what’s everyone’s most hated nickname? I’ll make a list for future reference so we can avoid using them. Mine is ‘Waterhead.’ ” Liquidator began to make a list.

“Mine is ‘Melon-head,’ ” said Bushroot.

“Mine’s ‘Chuckles,’ ” said Quacker Jack.

“Mine’s ‘Sparky’!” called Mega Volt’s voice.

Liquidator finished writing these names down. “And you, Negaduck?”

The thrust of Liquidator’s punch had propelled Negaduck into the wall. Negaduck’s head emerged. “I don’t know right now. I’ll have to think about it. Ugh—” He collapsed.

“I remember,” said Quacker Jack. He addressed Liquidator confidentially. “It’s ‘Neggie-poo.’ ” Liquidator wrote this down.

“Now that we have the name-business down, my dear son, Ludwig, has a job for you fearsome guys,” said MotherBrain.

“Plus myself, actually,” said Ludwig. Ludwig got on the planetwide intercom. “Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo, please get up here as quickly as possible.” Within seconds, the two idiots were there in the control room. “I expected you a nanosecond ago.” Ludwig placed a microphone into Eggplant Wizard’s hands.

“What’s this for?” asked Eggplant Wizard as Ludwig turned the output to Mega Volt’s room.

“Kindly call Mega Volt for me.”

“How?”

“It’s simple, Eggy,” said King Hippo. “Just say, ‘Hi, Sparky! This is the Eggplant Wizard.’ Got it?”

“Yeah, I got it,” said Eggplant Wizard.

“Go,” said Ludwig when the light indicating that Mega Volt is in his room came on.

“Hi, Sparky,” said Eggplant Wizard into the mouthpiece. “This is the Eggplant Wizard.” Ludwig took the microphone back. “How was that?”

Ludwig had a contented smile. “Thanks, Eggplant Wizard. You did almost too well.”

The door slammed open. Mega Volt stormed in, his body completely sparking. “You stem-headed dope. How dare you call me ‘Sparky’! Prepare to be microwaved.” Mega Volt tossed all of his electric energy at Eggplant Wizard and shocked him. “Next time, idiot, I’ll destroy you when you call me by that name. Got it?”

“Yes,” said Eggplant Wizard feebly.

King Hippo laughed his heart out. “You fell for it! Ha, ha, ha!”

“Who fell for what?” asked Mega Volt.

“King Hippo told him to call you that, Mega Volt,” said MotherBrain. She, her stepson, Liquidator, Bushroot, and Quacker Jack all had satisfied smiles.

“Oh, he did, did he?” asked Mega Volt. An even more intense spark outlining his body, he glared at King Hippo. “Then, maybe the idiot would like to share his pal’s suffering.” Mega Volt tossed his energy at King Hippo, whom it hit and fried.

“Yow! Why’d you do that, Mega Volt?” asked King Hippo.

“Because you told that fool eggplant to call me ‘Sparkie.’ Don’t you know how much that name annoys me?”

“Of course I do. That’s why I told him to do it.”

“Well, dimwit, you’re going to fry for real if you ever tell anybody to make the mistake of calling me ‘Sparky’ again. Got it?”

“Yes, Sparky—I mean—”

“Don’t you get it? Don’t call me ‘Sparky’!” After a moment, he mastered himself. “You aren’t worth the energy I’d waste by turning you into a roast. So keep anything resembling the word ‘Sparky’ in your big, fat mouth, you idiot boxer, or I’ll get Liquidator to help me boil you. Got it, fatso?”

“Got it, MV,” said King Hippo. “I don’t want you and Waterhead to try to boil me.”

Liquidator came to King Hippo and put his hand on his back almost genially. “King Hippo, allow me to demonstrate how I feel about being called ‘Waterhead.’ Let’s boil him, MV.”

“What?”

Liquidator coated King Hippo. Mega Volt shocked King Hippo and Liquidator. King Hippo was boiled by the Liquidator’s conductivity. In a few seconds, Mega Volt stopped, Liquidator popped off King Hippo, and King Hippo collapsed. “Now, permit me to show you why nineteen out of twenty dentists recommend that you not call me ‘Waterhead’ again.” Liquidator formed his left hand into a huge mallet.

“Uh, oh,” said King Hippo. Liquidator whacked him into the wall.

“I hope I’ve made myself clear,” said Liquidator.

“I get you,” said King Hippo.

“Bright boy. Now, please get out of the wall before I ask Quacker Jack to demonstrate the finer qualities of his army of snap-teeth.” King Hippo was ready in a second. “Good. Now, before these two force us to destroy them, Ludwig, maybe you should tell us what we’re to do.”

“Very well,” said Ludwig. “Quacker Jack, Bushroot, Mega Volt, and Liquidator, you four and I are going to go to Hyrule to confer with Ganon.”

“Whoa,” said Quacker Jack. “What for?”

Ludwig put his arm around Quacker Jack’s back congenially. “I cannot mention it right now, but we’ll say that I have it in for someone that is not on our team. Now, what say we mosey on over to Hyrule and see how he’s doing, huh?”

“Okay,” said Quacker Jack. “Let’s—” Suddenly, red-alert sounded. “What’s that?”

“Oh, no,” said Ludwig. “Check the cloaking device.”

MotherBrain did so. “It’s failing,” she said.

“Bring it back! We need that cloaking device to stay hidden.”

MotherBrain shook her head. “It’s no use. We’ve lost it. Its main circuits are completely shot. We’re visible.”

Ludwig swore. “That stupid cloak always has to fail. Well, no time to bother with it now. Let’s go, people.” The Ludwig and the other four left through the warp to Hyrule.

Up in the airshaft, Darkwing and the Thunder Kittens began to crawl away from the vent. “Now his cloaking device has to fail,” said Darkwing softly. “Why does he want to go to Hyrule?”

“Maybe he wants to ask Ganon to grab the Triforce,” said Wilykat.

“No. He definitely wants to ask Ganon to grab the Triforce!”

“What’s the difference?”

“The difference was in adverbs. Now, let’s get to Hyrule before it’s too late—and before we’re discovered.” Darkwing took a warp zone formula out of his cape, dropped it on the floor of the ventilation shaft, and entered it. The Thunder Kittens glanced at each other once. The warp grew so that they would drop into it, and then it disappeared.

* * *

Eastern Palace, Hyrule, VideoLand.

“No, we won’t,” said Darkwing. “We shall not search all the underworld paths, beginning with the one we’re in, to find Ganon. That’ll take too long!” He and the Thunder Kittens were just inside the Eastern Palace on Hyrule for shelter from the rain. Darkwing and Wilykat were arguing over how to find Agahnim, Ganon, the Fearsome Four, and Ludwig. Wilykit was listening, and not because she wanted to.

“Well, do you have any other suggestions, you fat idiot?” asked Wilykat.

“Now, you have some respect, young man. Uh, Wilykit, do I really look fat?”

“No, give or take a few millimeters,” said Wilykit.

“We’re going to take my way if there are no other suggestions,” said Wilykat.

“Why don’t we just go into the Golden Land, go to Ganon’s Death Mountain Tower, and look there?” said Darkwing.

“Because we’d be fried before we got a meter if we didn’t take my path first,” said Wilykat. “If we take my path, we’ll be well equipped to defeat all Ganon’s monsters on the way.”

“Well, that is the most absurd thing I have ever heard in my life,” said Darkwing. “My Gas Gun has an endless supply of gadgets that will cinch our way through those monsters.”

“Your Gas Gun doesn’t have the abilities of the items we’d get along the path.”

Wilykit was sick of this. Fortunately, she had just had a brainstorm. “I’ll tell you what, boys.”

“Yes?” said Wilykat and Darkwing simultaneously.

“Why don’t we go to Hyrule Castle first?”

Darkwing paused for a moment. “Okay, I give up. Why?”

Wilykat looked upwards. “Why are we cursed with such an idiot, dear God? How have we offended you?”

“There, Link may have the necessary items for getting up to Ganon’s Dark World Tower,” said Wilykit. “That way, we can take Darkwing’s short path and remain in our natural number of pieces.”

“Good idea, Wilykit,” said Wilykat.

“Oh, all right,” said Darkwing. “Let’s go.” Wilykit shook her head. “Well, why not?”

“Not right now, because the rain’s pouring harder,” said Wilykit. “We’re waiting until it lightens up a bit.”

“Why should we?”

“Because, Darkwing Duck, Steelheart told Wilykat and me to do this. I am older than he, and thus am his leader. She just sent you to drag my little brother along, besides the fact that she sees you as capable. I’m the leader here, and I say we’re not going anywhere until this rain lightens up. No more arguments!” Wilykat and Darkwing were both a bit surprised by her commanding presence. Wilykat saw that his sister had the capability to be a strong leader.

“All right,” said Darkwing. “We’ll wait.”

* * *

Ganon’s Tower, Dark World, Hyrule.

Much later, in Ganon’s Dark World Tower, the seven villains were conferring. “Well, my dear Ganon, are you eager to perform your dreadful task tomorrow?” asked Ludwig.

“Yes, I am,” said Ganon. “I can’t wait to finally get evil hands back on all three Triforces. They rightfully belong in evil hands, anyway. The Triforce presumed me dead when Link, the ancestor of present‑day Link, destroyed me. However, I came back. And that Triforce still thinks that the family of that so-called Legendary Hero, whose last descendants are present-day Zelda and Link, is its rightful controller. Well, when I finally get it in my claws, I’ll show it a thing or two. I already want to write something for that present-day Link: a nasty obituary. Ha, ha, ha! My wish will come true some day. Then, they’ll all be sorry that they messed with us.”

“At least the race rules are set up so that the annoying Link can’t stop you from getting the Triforce,” said Mega Volt.

“Yes, a fortunate turn of events,” said Ganon. “If some fool comes along trying to stop me, I’ll destroy him or her.” He laughed.

* * *

Outside, Darkwing and the Thunder Kittens approached the tower carefully. “You two stay here,” said Darkwing. “I’m going in.”

“I don’t want to miss the action,” said Wilykat.

Darkwing put his hand on Wilykat’s shoulder. “Look, Kitten, I didn’t specifically ask to babysit you, and I’m rather annoyed with you. So please follow my instructions, okay? Be my eyes out here. There may come some villains who have a particularly good taste for duck stew and kitten fricassee. If that’s so, annihilate them. Got it?”

“Okay.” Darkwing entered. “Not like you were the one Steelheart—”

“Darkwing, come back here,” called Wilykit.

“Wilykit!”

Darkwing’s head emerged from the door. “What is it?”

“Wilykat had his fingers crossed behind his back when he mumbled, ‘Okay.’ ” said Wilykit.

Darkwing shook his head. “Wilykat, you’re worse than Gosalyn! My young friend, you had better stay out here, or I’m going to call Tygra, and he and I are going to have an anger-toned chat about you. So, stay put. Oh, one more thing: do come in if I am not back in about five minutes and have not called you. If it appears to you that I’ve been caught, go back to the Castle of Hyrule and inform Link and Zelda; then, call the Silver Hawks and Thunder Cats. Got it?”

“Uh, I guess so,” said Wilykat, sorting out the orders.

“Good lad.” Darkwing went back in.

In a second, Wilykat was on the verge of crying. “Thanks a lot, Wilykit. Some sister you are. I got my head bitten off by Darkwing yet again.”

“Wilykat, if you were in my shoes, what would you have done?” she asked. “You know what crossing your fingers behind your back means, don’t you?”

“I do, but I wouldn’t be so sore at you right now if I were tampering with that column over there.”

“If you were tampering with the column, I would have done more than call that stupid quack. Thunder Cats are not supposed to lie, you know.”

“Well, let’s just do as he says unless we get a message otherwise. That means we—”

“I know what he told us.”

“Hey! Don’t you start biting my head off, too!”

“I’m sorry, brother. I just tend to get annoyed with you at times. Are you all right?”

“Yeah. I just hate being yelled at. Especially when you do it.”

“I didn’t mean it. I never mean it. Do you forgive me?”

“Yes.”

In the Tower, Darkwing was cautiously moving about the inner hall, keeping his eyes moving so as to spot danger at any possible place. “The daring Darkwing Duck moves through the evil dungeon with his keen eyes alert to any evil creatures,” he narrated to himself. “His eyes moving every second, he is determined to spot danger immediately.”

He heard something from the rightmost stairway. “Hmm. Voices. One is indicative of my old enemy, the Liquidator; another betrays the presence of my other old enemy, Mega Volt.” He turned aside to an imaginary audience. “I’d have called him Sparky, but, if I had, he’d have come up here and barbecued me. Heh, heh!”

Darkwing continued narrating his actions. “Darkwing Duck descends cautiously the stairway from which the sounds come, quietly so as to keep the villainous scum below from noticing him. When he emerges at the lower level, he looks around for more evil creatures, but he finds none. He recognizes the room’s layout from watching one of his friends, Captain N, play a game that occurs in an identical place. He looks for a hidden lever.”

Darkwing looked all around the room. He noticed two pots to the south. He went to the southwestern-most one and lifted it. “Darkwing Duck finds the lever hidden beneath a pot highly decorated with tacky Hylian designs. He uses a heavy gas from his Gas Gun to hold the lever down to keep the door from closing. He goes to peek through the door.

“Our intrepid hero has found a room that was once filled with spinning tiles, but the tiles have already been deployed. He still makes his way across the room cautiously, alert to any danger. He also seems to be moving away from the voices. Still, he continues his exploration.

“He soon comes upon a room with four extinguished torches, a closed shutter-door in the south, and several moving floors that have ceased to move. He speculates: did Ganon forget to pay his power bill? He sets his Gas Gun for fire and, in lighting the four torches, opens the shutter-door. He moves quickly through the shutter-door before any of the torches burns out.

“Darkwing finds himself in a chamber with a crystal fence blocking his way. He looks over a barrier and sees a crystal switch at the end of a conveyor belt. He uses the Cane of Somaria, given to him by Link, to make an orange block to toss on the conveyor belt, and he uses the same cane again to turn the block into energy and blast the switch so that the crystal fence goes down. His way to a door is barred by another crystal fence. He does the same two things with the cane, only he makes sure that he’s between both fences before the energy blasts the switch again. He makes his way to the door and enters.

“He finds a transport tile and steps on it. He finds himself in a chamber with an island in the middle of a room with an invisible floor that leads directly to the door out. He goes straight to the door without any incident and finds himself in a more dangerous room.

“This room has an invisible floor. He goes to where the floor begins and makes his way to the rightmost door on the north wall. He enters that door when he finally gets to it. He places a bomb on one of the cracked portions of the floor of the next room, bombing his way to a lower room. He drops into the lower room onto an icy floor.

“Carefully maneuvering, he goes to the northern door and locates some items. He goes in and gets them, then returns to the ice room. He goes to the western door and looks through it. He sees no one, so he enters the next room. No one is there.

“He takes the stairs up to the higher level—and he finds the people he’s looking for.” Indeed, Darkwing had found those he had been seeking past some movable blocks. Ganon, Agahnim, Ludwig, and the Fearsome Four were unable to see or hear Darkwing, but Darkwing was in a position where he could see and hear them.

“Well, Ganon, it’s been a pleasure meeting you,” said Liquidator. “And you too, Agahnim! Just be careful when you go nab it.”

“We’ll do that, Liquidator,” said Ganon. “We’ll be seeing you later, then.”

“See you guys later,” said Ludwig. He and the Fearsome Four left.

“Rats,” said Darkwing to himself. “I missed their entire conversation. Wait. I can leave one of Steelheart’s bugs here.” He left one of Steelheart’s listening devices on the wall. Next, he got out his radio. “This is Darkwing Duck to the Thunder Kittens. Ludwig and the Fearsome Four are exiting. Keep out of their way.”

“Okay, ducky,” said Wilykat over the radio. “We’ll be waiting for you.”

“Good. This is Darkwing Duck; over and out.”

“Well,” said Ganon, “I guess it’s time to return to the top of the tower so that we can keep watch over Hyrule, eh?”

“Yes,” said Agahnim. “Let’s go, Ganon.” The two departed to go to the top of the tower.

Darkwing waited for a few moments before following them. He followed them at a safe distance up the tower and put a bug on the wall of their main room.

“Now, we’ll be able to hear you all the time, Ganon,” said Darkwing to himself. “Now to get out of here.” He took his time descending, as the floors of a few chambers would love to give way. He then exited through the door into the rain. “The shower’s not over yet. This must be the Liquidator’s storm.”

“Did someone call my name?” said a burbly voice that could be only the Liquidator’s.

“Oh, no,” said Darkwing. “Not that self-centered lump of water.”

One of the raindrops turned into the Liquidator himself. “I am not self-centered, Darkwing,” said Liquidator.

“Why couldn’t you just have stayed at Metroid?”

“Because I felt you spying on us in there, duck. My ears were practically boiling. Oh! And guess who we found when my pals and I almost exited the palace?”

“Almost? You mean—” Darkwing looked back in. “Yah!” Bushroot and Quacker Jack jumped him from the inside. When the fight was over, Darkwing was wrapped up in one of Bushroot’s vines.

Ludwig came out. “And about your two young pals. Ask Mega Volt about them.”

“Oh, they’re right here,” said Mega Volt with his hands behind his back. He brought his right arm and hand into view. Attached to the index finger of his right hand was a bolt of electricity whose other end was wrapped around the Thunder Kittens like a rope. “It looks like they stuck their finger in the light socket, but they didn’t.” He laughed.

“Oh, very funny, you demented electron-tosser,” said Wilykat.

“That’s just for being here, Kittens,” said Liquidator. “Ganon did not give you permission to be here.”

“And I’m not a stupid enough weed to tell you that he’s going to steal the Triforce for us,” said Bushroot.

“You idiot!” cried Mega Volt, dropping the Thunder Kittens and running to Bushroot. “You’d better be glad you didn’t tell him when Ganon was allegedly going to do such a . . . such an alleged act.”

“Oh, that! Yeah, Ganon’s going to take the Triforce during the—”

“Shut up, daisy-face,” shouted Mega Volt, shocking the vegetable. “If you tell him when Ganon’s going to take the Triforce, I’m going to barbecue your blasted hide off.”

“Tsk, tsk, Sparky,” said Darkwing. “You shouldn’t be so antisocial, especially around kids.”

“Wingy,” said Wilykit in a warning tone.

“And you, ducky, should never call me ‘Sparky’!” Mega Volt almost fried Darkwing, but Liquidator motioned him to stop. “Why not, Liquidator?”

“It is necessary that he stay alive and in one piece,” said Liquidator. “Otherwise, the race is off.”

“Who gives a cat’s posterior about the race, Waterhead?” asked Mega Volt. Liquidator then short-circuited him. “Yow! Why’d you do that?”

“Because you called me ‘Waterhead,’ ” said Liquidator.

“Oh.”

“And don’t call me ‘Waterhead’ again, or I’ll do more than short-circuit you.”

“Well, excuse me, Liquie,” said Mega Volt. “Liquidator sure has a bad temper, doesn’t he, Chuckles?”

“Don’t call me ‘Chuckles,’ ” cried Quacker Jack, throwing a set of his snap-teeth on Mega Volt’s muzzle.

“Ow! That’s not funny.” Mega Volt shocked the snap-teeth off his muzzle. “Maybe you would like to be electrocuted, Quacker Jerk.”

“What for, Sparky? You called me ‘Chuckles.’ ” Mega Volt shocked Quacker Jack. “Yow! Why’d you do that, Mega Dolt?”

“Because you called me ‘Sparky’!”

“Oh, like that’s a good reason.”

Livid, Mega Volt planted himself in Quacker Jack’s face. “It is, clown-brain, and a good one.”

Bushroot formed a reed oboe with his left hand and played it at A above high C to get their attention. “Guys, such quarrelling is fit only for little kids. Since we aren’t little kids, let’s stop it.”

“What’s it to you, Melon-head?” asked Quacker Jack.

“Don’t call me ‘Melon-head’, Quacker Jack,” yelled Bushroot. “Okay, so sue me because I hate being called ‘Melon-head.’ It’s just so mean.”

“Fair enough, Bush-brain,” said Darkwing. “I’ll remember to call Perry or Hamilton.”

“Don’t call me ‘Bush-brain,’ either!” yelled Bushroot.

Wilykat stepped up to them. “Ah, listen, guys. ’Kit and I would love to stay around and hear you squabble about name-calling—”

“Oh, sure,” Wilykit said sarcastically.

“—but we have to be back at Hawkhaven soon.”

“Is that so?” said Liquidator. “Were you specifically told to return to Hawkhaven soon?”

“No, but—”

“Well, I think that someone had better call Steelheart and ask her what to do, oughtn’t someone?”

“Look, Waterhead, I—”

“Listen to me, Wilykat. Ninety-nine out of one hundred dentists would recommend that you never call me ‘Waterhead’ again.” Liquidator threateningly held his right fist in front of Wilykat, who guarded his face. However, Liquidator turned the fist into a telephone. “It is not in my nature to strike children. Don’t make me rethink that stance, okay?” He picked up the receiver of this phone with his left hand and put the receiver up to his ear. He then called Hawkhaven. “Hello, Steelheart. This is Liquidator speaking.”

“Hello, Liquidator,” said Steelheart. “What do you need?”

“Well, my friends and I have—ahem—run into three of your compatriots: Darkwing Duck and the Thunder Kittens. We’ve been having a wonderful time schmoozing, but alas, all good things must come to an end. Now, when is their bedtime? I need to know when we have to send them back.”

“What were they up to, Liquidator?”

“Well, we found the Kittens outside Ganon’s Tower, and we caught Darkwing Duck when he exited the same tower. Sparky, Melon-head, Chuckles, and I were wondering when we could send them back.”

“Please don’t call me ‘Melon-head,’ Liquie,” whined Bushroot.

“Don’t call me ‘Chuckles,’ ” said Quacker Jack.

“And don’t call me ‘Sparky’!!” cried Mega Volt.

“What was that about?” asked Steelheart.

“Oh, sorry,” said Liquidator. “Mega Volt yelled at me because I called him ‘Sparky’; Quacker Jack yelled at me because I called him ‘Chuckles’; and Bushroot yelled at me because I called him ‘Melon-head.’ I’d have yelled at them if they had called me ‘Waterhead.’ Please, Steelheart, don’t make that mistake. Nine hundred ninety-nine out of a thousand dentists would recommend that you not do so. Now, how about your three pals? When do they need to be back?”

“ASAP,” said Steelheart. “As soon as possible. What is their current condition?”

“Oh, they’re okay,” said Liquidator. “Darkwing called Mega Volt ‘Sparky,’ so Mega Volt almost cleaned his clock, but they’re all in mint condition. Hmm, hmm!”

“Very funny, Liquidator,” said Steelheart. “Just send them home, please. If the Thunder Kittens are harmed in the slightest, I promise that you’ll regret it.”

“Okay,” said Liquidator. “See you later, Steelheart.”

“I’ll see you later, Liquie,” said Steelheart. Liquidator then hung up.

“Oh, you don’t mean that we have to send them back before I fry Darkwing for calling me ‘Sparky,’ do you?” asked Mega Volt dejectedly. He moaned. “I was favoring the prospect.”

Bushroot untied Darkwing. “A tough break for you, my dear pal,” said Darkwing. When Bushroot finished untying Darkwing, Ludwig created a warp to Hawkhaven. “Well, until the next time we meet. After you, Thunder Kittens.” The Thunder Kittens stepped through the warp. Darkwing paused at the threshold before turning towards the villans. “Farewell, Waterhead, Melon-head, Chuckles, Sparky, and von Stoopa.” Darkwing quickly stepped through the warp before the villains could retaliate.

“Talk about sublimely detestable nicknames,” said Ludwig with a smile. “Add ‘von Stoopa’ to your list for me, please, Liquidator.” Liquidator did so.

“Now, boss, shall we mosey on back to Metroid now?” asked Mega Volt.

“Yes, I think so,” said Ludwig. “Let’s go. I need to fix the cloaking device, and you need your rest for the race tomorrow.” Ludwig warped them all to Metroid.

* * *

Steelheart’s Office, Hawkhaven, Limbo.

At Hawkhaven, Darkwing and Wilykat argued with fresh anger. “Listen, kitty boy,” said Darkwing. “You should have called me when they caught you.”

“They bound us, remember?” said Wilykat. “How could we call you if we were not free?”

“You should have called me before they ensnared you.”

“They sprang out of nowhere! Mega Volt followed the radio waves from our radios. That’s how they found us. We were attacked just when your communication to us cut off.”

“Well, cat‑brat, you should have been on your guard.”

“And would you mind stopping using nasty names, Darkwing Duck? I wonder what would have happened if you had delayed any after calling Mega Volt ‘Sparky,’ Quacker Jack ‘Chuckles,’ Bushroot ‘Melon-head,’ Liquidator ‘Waterhead,’ and Ludwig ‘von Stoopa.’ You’d have probably gotten your just desserts.”

“Speaking of desserts, I am hungry. Where are the cookies, Steelheart?”

“Now, Darkwing, your attitude might have gotten all three of you killed.”

“So?” said Darkwing. “It’s not like anyone died.”

“That’s not the point, Darkwing Duck,” said Wilykat. “Why were you so caught up into seeing what they were talking about, anyway? You got nowhere—and it wasn’t your job to do what ’Kit and I were supposed to do.”

“You’re just about to annoy me with this purely trivial nonsense, Thunder Kitten.”

“Just about to? You sound annoyed already.”

“I came along because I felt that I could teach you two something. It seems to be that you don’t like me.”

“Well, I assure you that it’s not our fault.”

“Oh, so you’re blaming me? Well, at least Mega Volt didn’t decide to raise too much static with the two of you. Maybe I ought to have just stayed here.”

“Yes, maybe you should have.”

“Thanks for the reassurance, pal.”

“What took you so long to get out, anyway, Darkwing?” asked Wilykit.

“Thou too, young lady?”

“I simply asked a question, Darkwing. I’m not trying to incriminate anyone here. I’m just curious what happened.”

“I followed Ganon and Agahnim and planted a listening device in their main chamber. Wait a minute! I planted that device. And I bet that you thought I was very crazy in the head, Wilykat.”

“No betting needed,” said Wilykat. “I think you are.”

Darkwing growled. “All right, already. Sheesh! I’ve had it. Maybe next time, Steelheart will tell us which of us is the leader. Heh, heh, of course, I hope that there won’t be a next time.”

“Well, at least that’s one point where we agree. Now, is putting that listening device in there why you risked our necks? If we’d gone along with you, we might not have been caught by Mega Volt, Liquidator, Bushroot, Quacker Jack, and Prince Ludwig.”

“If’s mean nothing, Wilykat. And there’s no guarantee that Sparky, Waterhead, Melon-head, Chuckles, and von Stoopa wouldn’t have caught us.”

“Again with the name-calling? They could be watching us, you know.”

“Is this getting on your nerves, Steelheart?” asked Wilykit.

“Yes, it is,” said Steelheart. “If you two cannot reach an agreement in the next few syllables, I’d like to hear silence from you.” Darkwing and Wilykat stopped arguing. “Thank you very much. My ears have had just about all they can stand. What is the point of your little discussion?”

“He’s blaming me for our getting caught by von Stoopa and the Fearsome Four,” said Darkwing.

“That’s right,” said Wilykat. “I feel angry that you did not allow us to enter the Tower with you.”

“That’s because I was worried you would get hurt!”

“Oh, sure. Steelheart sent Wilykit and I to see what the Brain-Team was doing, not you. She just called you so you could drag me along for the ride. I knew I should have just gone along, but no. I was too blasted scared.”

“Don’t you know that you used a personal pronoun incorrectly, Thunder Kitten?”

“See? Anything will annoy you.”

“Gentlemen,” said Wilykit firmly. “You’re getting a little loud again.”

“I’ll ask you what happened, Wilykit,” said Steelheart. “If your brother tried to tell me what happened, Dimwing wouldn’t let him get a word in edgewise. Now, young lady, please tell me what happened.”

“The warp took us into a conduit on Metroid. That conduit led to a vent above the control room. The first complaint came almost immediately. Wilykat complained about it being hot, and Darkwing allowed himself to become excessively annoyed. We followed the scent of Bushroot’s stinkweed to the control room, where the villains were conversing. Mega Volt got planted by Bushroot when he called the plant ‘Melon-head,’ and Mega Volt fried Bushroot when the plant-duck called him ‘Sparky.’ Sparky—Mega Volt, I mean—stormed out of the room.

“When Quacker Jack warned Bushroot about not getting on Mega Volt’s bad side—QJ called MV ‘Sparky’—Mega Volt sent a huge bolt of electricity to fry Quacker Jack and sent a yell in which he called Quacker Jack ‘Chuckles.’ QJ yelled about that, and then Negaduck called Liquidator ‘Waterhead.’ Liquidator whacked Negaduck into the wall. Then they made a list about their most-hated nicknames. Prince Ludwig then called his two idiots, Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo, to the control room. When they were there, he gave Eggplant Wizard a microphone, and he told him to call Mega Volt. King Hippo suggested that he say, ‘Hi, Sparky! This is the Eggplant Wizard.’

“Eggplant Wizard did that very thing. Mega Volt came in, yelled at Eggplant Wizard, and fried him. After that, he fried King Hippo when Mother Brain told the electrical villain that King Hippo told Eggplant Wizard to call Mega Volt ‘Sparky’ on the radio. King Hippo himself made then the mistake of calling Mega Volt ‘Sparky,’ but Mega Volt let him off with a warning. Afterwards, King Hippo called Liquidator ‘Waterhead,’ so Liquidator had Mega Volt help him to boil King Hippo; then, Liquidator whacked King Hippo with a water-mallet.

“Ludwig informed the Fearsome Four that he wanted to go with them to Hyrule to talk with Ganon about something. Then, the cloaking device blew a fuse and failed completely. When the five left, DW asked why they would want to go to Hyrule. When Wilykat suggested that Ludwig might want to ask Ganon to grab the Triforce, DW corrected by positively saying that the turtle definitely wanted to ask Ganon to grab the Triforce. DW then created a warp to Hyrule, which he immediately entered and which grew so that Wilykat and I would fall in.

“More argument ensued in the Eastern Palace, where Darkwing, saying that it would take too long, objected to searching all the dungeon paths in order to find Ganon. Wilykat asked for suggestions and called DW a ‘fat idiot.’ ” There was some minor giggling by Wilykat. When Wilykit glared at him, he shut up. “DW demanded that Wilykat have more respect and asked me if he really looked fat. I basically said ‘no.’

“Then, DW suggested that we go straight to Ganon’s Tower in Death Mountain. Wilykat said no to it because we would be fried before we got far if we did not take his path first. By contrast, if we took his path, we’d be well-equipped to defeat all of Ganon’s monsters on the way. Darkwing Duck, here, said that it was absurd, that his Gas Gun has an endless supply of gadgets which would help us get through there. I suggested that we go to Hyrule Castle first so that Link, if in possession of items for getting there, might give us the items we need to get to Ganon’s Tower. I said that, that way, we could take DW’s short path and remain in the number of pieces in which we were born. When Darkwing said, ‘Let’s go,’ I shook my head and said that it was pouring harder, that we were going to wait until the rain reached a lower level of concentration. After he questioned my decision I gave him a piece of my mind.”

“And how,” said Wilykat, nearly in awe. “I didn’t expect it from her, but as I think about it, I believe that I should have.”

“It was impressive, I have to admit,” said Darkwing.

“Later, at Ganon’s Tower, DW decided to go in alone and leave us outside as lookouts,” resumed Wilykit. “He said that if any villains who particularly loved duck stew and kitten fricassee came along, we were to take care of them. Wilykat, who wanted to go along, mumbled, ‘Okay,’ and then Darkwing entered. I called him back because Wilykat had crossed his fingers behind his back. Darkwing told him that Wilykat in particular had better stay put or he would have a rather angry chat about him with Tygra. But then he told us to come in and look for him if he was not back in five minutes and had not called us. If it appeared that he was caught, we were to go to Hyrule Castle and inform Link and Zelda and then to call you Silver Hawks and the other Thunder Cats.

“When Darkwing re‑entered the Tower, Wilykat had the dubious distinction, if you may, of ‘thanking’ me for calling Darkwing and having his head bitten off by that nut again. After a little conversation, we did what Darkwing had said to do.

“After a few minutes, Darkwing called us on the radio to inform us that Ludwig and the Fearsome Four were leaving and that we were to keep out of their way. Well, Mega Volt evidently traced the radio signal and found us out there. He caught us in one of his electro-prisons, as he calls his cages of electrical energy. Liquidator said that that was for being there. The villains, except for Liquidator, hid back inside the Tower.

“Liquidator hid in the cloud and came down when Darkwing exited the Tower. Bushroot and Quacker Jack pounced on Darkwing and tied him up in one of Bushroot’s vines. Then Ludwig came out and mentioned us. Mega Volt had us hidden behind his back, attached to his right index finger by a bolt of electricity.

“When Bushroot told us that Ganon was going to take the Triforce, Mega Volt dropped us inadvertently, releasing us from his electricity, and ran over to Bushroot. He microwaved Bushroot when the latter was going to tell us when Ganon was going to do it. DW said, ‘Tsk, tsk, Sparky! You shouldn’t be so antisocial, especially around kids.’ Before Mega Volt fried DW, Liquidator stopped him, telling him that the race would be off if he fried Darkwing.

“Liquidator liquidated Mega Volt when Mega Volt called him ‘Waterhead.’ When Mega Volt called Quacker Jack ‘Chuckles’ in asking him whether Liquidator had a bad temper, Quacker Jack tossed a set of snap-teeth onto Mega Volt’s muzzle. Mega Volt fried the snap-teeth off of his muzzle and asked QJ if he would like to be electrocuted. QJ called MV ‘Sparky’ in a rebuke, so MV electrocuted him anyway. After two or three more speeches from the two, Bushroot reprimanded them. Bushroot only yelled when QJ called him ‘Melon-head.’ Bushroot yelled again, this time at Darkwing, when DW called him ‘Bush-brain.’

“Wilykat said that he and I would love to stay and hear them squabble but that we had to get back to Hawkhaven. Liquie argued with Wilykat about the necessity to get back to Hawkhaven a little, and their discussion terminated when Wilykat made the mistake of calling Liquidator ‘Waterhead.’ Liquidator did nothing but form his fist into a telephone and call you, Steelheart. I’m sure you know what the conversation was about. When you heard Bushroot, Mega Volt, and Quacker Jack shout simultaneously, that was because Liquidator called them by their hated nicknames. I heard that watery dog say something about our being in mint condition.

“When the call was over, Bushroot untied DW, and Ludwig made a warp to Hawkhaven for us. DW let the two of us into the warp first, and then called back ‘Farewell’ and the villains’ hated names. He stepped through before they had a chance to fry him.

“And that is that, as they say.”

“Very well,” said Steelheart. “Thank you, Wilykit. Wilykat and Darkwing, that was the truth, wasn’t it?”

“It was,” said Wilykat, embarrassed at his behavior. He had not realized at the time how childish it was. He would have to control himself in the future. Half of it was Darkwing’s fault, of course, but Wilykat knew he had caused some of it. He should have agreed to go in the first place. That way, there would have been no Darkwing tag-along.

“It was,” said Darkwing Duck, mortified. How dare that girl! “That cute little rat.”

“My sister’s a cat, not a rat,” said Wilykat.

“Well, at least the truth is something else you two agree on,” said Steelheart. “I thank you, you three, even if you didn’t get along—oh, how shall I say it?—perfectly. DW, good night. I will speak with you in the morning.”

“Good night, Steelheart, Thunder Kittens,” said Darkwing Duck. He left.

“I want to talk with Wilykat alone for a moment, Wilykit,” Steelheart said.

“Okay,” said Wilykit. She left the room.

“What is it, Steelheart?” asked Wilykat.

“How well do you think you got along with Darkwing Duck?” asked Steelheart.

“Not well at all.”

“I see. Why do you think that is?”

“I find him to be so bossy and conceited. Unless he makes the suggestion or agrees with it, he says ‘no.’ It also seems to me that if he doesn’t get his way, he’ll get very perturbed.”

“That’s a summary of Darkwing’s ego in a nutshell, Wilykat. It’s his way or no way for him. However, he will go along with someone’s plan if it suits him. One just has to know how he operates, that’s all. Of course, he goes along if he’s ordered to. Anything else?”

“Yeah.” Wilykat’s cheeks reddened a little. “I’m, uh, I guess I’m to blame, also. I never like being told what to do when it’s not something I want to do.”

“I’m glad you realize that. This is a team, Wilykat, and everyone has to do their part.”

“I’ll remember that in the future.”

“Thank you. I won’t mention this to the Thunder Cats, as long as you keep it in mind.”

“Thank you. Besides, I think Darkwing’s basically a good enough crime-fighter. Something else, Commander. I was wondering, is there any way Wilykit and I can learn one of your languages?”

“Well, you know one already: English.”

“I know that,” he said with a laugh. “I mean one of the other languages of your world.”

“Since you know English well enough, French, Spanish, Italian, or German might suit you. Cheetara said you had a language called Ancient Thunderian.”

“Yeah. She said it’s similar to Italian.”

“I know several different languages, most especially English, French, Spanish, Italian, and German.”

“Which do you like the most?”

“Probably French, but I’d have to think about it more to give a more definite answer. I, myself, have too much about which to worry to teach it to you two now. Maybe Kevin, or someone else. I’ve spoken with him enough to know that he’s particularly conversant in French and Spanish.”

“Okay. Have I told you all that you need to hear from me?”

“Yes; thank you very much. Now, I would like to talk to Wilykit.”

“All right. I’ll see you later, Commander. Have a good night.”

“You too, Wilykat.” Wilykat opened the door, spoke softly to Wilykit, and exited after Wilykit had entered. “Hello again, Wilykit. I want to know what you think of Darkwing Duck. And please speak candidly.”

“Are you sure you want candid with me?” Wilykit asked, letting some of her cool break.

“Absolutely.”

“All right. He’s an obnoxious, self-centered, egotistical maniac who never comes short of loving to get his own way! I’ve never seen a person so—ugh!”

“Well, now that I know your opinion of him is so strongly negative,” said Steelheart. “I’m glad you kept your cool during the mission. Have you any good opinions about him?”

“I have to ponder that.”

“Okay. You don’t like him.”

“I don’t like him. I don’t hate him, but I don’t like him, either.”

“I understand. When Wilykat finished talking about that Half-wit-egotist Dippy-duck, he—” Steelheart was given no chance to finish the statement. Wilykit’s laugh interrupted her. “What is so funny?”

Wilykit was unable to stop laughing. “What you called Dark—ha, ha!—Darkwing Duck. Ha, ha, ha!”

Steelheart smiled. “Well, I never dreamt that you’d find it so funny.” Steelheart could not resist for much longer. Soon, she burst out in laughter. “Okay, Wilykit. Ha, ha! Okay. Let’s stop, now.” In a few moments, the two ladies had regained their composure. “Okay. Now that we have stopped that silly laughing, I shall try to tell you again. When your brother quit talking about the egotistical quack, he mentioned something about his and your being interested in learning a language from our world. Is it so?”

“Yes, Steelheart,” said Wilykit. “Back on Thundera, my brother and I had the highest scores in language studies. Well, actually, we had the highest in everything. Everyone did well in our education system, due to its flexibility, but he and I were—” She looked a little embarrassed. “Well, I hope I don’t sound like I’m bragging or anything.”

“Certainly not. However, like I told him, I won’t be able to teach you, as I have other duties that require my attention. You might ask someone else if he or she has the time to teach it to you. To him, I suggested Captain N, and I suggested French. Kevin’s pretty good at the language.”

“Thank you,” said Wilykit. “If there is nothing else, my bro and I will be off.”

“Then, you may be off,” said Steelheart.

“Thank you. I’ll see you later, Steelheart.”

“Good night, Wilykit.” Wilykit left and joined Wilykat.

“Well, how did it go?” said Wilykat as the two walked toward the elevator.

“Pretty well,” answered Wilykit.

“I heard some laughter in there.”

“I began it. It was what Steelheart called Darkwing Duck.”

“What did she call him?”

“I won’t tell you until we’re out of hearing range, because you’ll probably laugh your head off, too.”

“Go ahead. If we wake up everyone, I’ll accept full responsibility.”

“No, we’d better wait, Wilykat.”

“Would you do it if—”

“I said no, Wilykat,” she replied firmly. “If you insist, I’ll never tell you.”

“All right,” said Wilykat. “Little spoilsport.”

“Desist.” They entered the elevator and rode down toward the hangar floor. “So, you asked her about the language studying?”

“Yeah,” said Wilykat. “Did you?”

“Yes. We got the same answer: learning French under Captain N.”

“Kevin.”

“Hm?”

“He prefers being called Kevin by his friends.”

“Yeah. Brother, if you think I betrayed you in there—”

“No, I don’t, Wilykit. I behaved like such a complete idiot around Darkwing. I’m ashamed of myself.”

“I see. I really don’t blame you. That duck could bring out the worst in me, too.”

“So, what’d Steelheart call him?”

“Nice try.”

“Sorry.” The elevator stopped at the hangar, where the Thunder Kittens disembarked and warped to Cat’s Lair.