20--RMWVL, Part 4, Ch.1

July 31.

Control Room, Tourian, Metroid, VideoLand.

ithin her secret lair hidden in the heart of the Planet of SR388, known simply as Metroid, the evil villainess MotherBrain was preparing to ask a burning question of her all-knowing computer mind-mirror. After she had finished primping the fringes of her brain-cells gently with her tentacles, she turned to the mirror. “Metroid-mirror on my wall, am I the most beautiful of them all?”

The Metroid Mind-Mirror closed its eyes and considered the question. Then, it opened its eyes. “Princess Lana is the cutest chick. You’re so ugly you make me sick.”

MotherBrain gasped. “What do you know, twerp?”

The mirror-image gave her a rude raspberry. “Here’s what I know: you are the ugliest brain in the universe.” MotherBrain used two of the three electric devices on top of her glass jar to blast the mirror. With a shriek, the mirror blew up.

MotherBrain sighed. “Another day, another mirror.”

Morton’s eyes took on an evil look. “Queen MotherBrain of the Koopas will be the most beautiful woman in all VideoLand.” He turned to Eggplant Wizard. “And you, Eggplant Wizard, are going to help me in allowing her to do so.”

Eggplant Wizard looked both ways. “Who, me?”

“Yes, you! You can start by making me an apple.”

“Okay, Prince Mort.” Eggplant Wizard summoned his wand to his hand. As he chanted, he waved his wand. “Magic words with which I grovel, make this Koopaling a big, juicy apple.” Eggplant Wizard fired a ray at Morton. Instead of giving Morton an apple, however, he turned Morton’s face into an apple.

“You are such a brainless idiot. I do not want to be an apple. I want to have one.”

“Cool off, Prince Morton, or you’ll turn into a baked apple.” He waved his wand and chanted again. “I can turn a princess into a tomato, a prince into a ham on rye. Turning you back to normal is as easy as apple pie.” Now he turned Morton’s face into a slice of apple pie! Morton used his Koopa-scepter to shock the vegetables out of the Eggplant Wizard. The vegetable sorcerer wailed in agony.

“Hey, Prince Morton, you look tasty,” King Hippo said. “May I have a slice?”

Morton soon stopped zapping Eggplant Wizard. “Shut up, King Hippo. Turn me back to normal, Eggplant Wizard, or your name will become Eggplant Soufflé, and I’ll talk and talk and talk your blasted ears off.”

“Right,” Eggplant Wizard said. Once more, he waved his wand. “If you do not turn back to normal with the spell of this magical chant, I’m turning in my wizard’s badge because I’ll be one dead eggplant.” This time, he got the spell right, and Morton’s face returned to normal. “Whew.” Then, the apple that Morton wanted bounced off Eggplant Wizard’s head and into Morton’s hand.

Morton held the apple. “That’s what I want. Thank you, Eggy. Dr. Wily, fix me a batch of your special deep-sleep potion and put some in this apple.” Morton handed the apple to Dr. Wily and faced MotherBrain. “I have a surprise for that stupid old Princess Lana. Then you, MotherBrain, will be the beautiful queen of VideoLand, and King Dad will be the handsome king of same. In fact, we can do the same with Princess Zelda and Princess Peach, and my brother Ludwig will rule the whole galaxy.”

“What is your plan, my bright yet loud-mouthed stepson?” MotherBrain asked.

Morton laughed. “I’m sure that you have heard of the fairy tale ‘The Sleeping Beauty,’ wherein the beautiful princess eats a poisoned apple and falls into a deep sleep. Afterwards, the handsome prince must find her and kiss her to awaken her out of the spell. Only this time, when Captain N kisses the beautiful Princess Lana, she won’t wake up.”

“Hm,” said MotherBrain. “I recall doing this before.”

“You probably did, but we’ll throw in some delicious twists to avoid the success of the good guys.”

“Ah!”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, Eggy, but it’s also the story where the prince destroys the ugly old witch, isn’t it?” King Hippo asked.

“That’s the one,” replied Eggplant Wizard.

Ludwig entered with his morning cup of coffee. “That will be enough, King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard. You rang, my beautiful MotherBrain?” He took a sip of his coffee.

“Yes, Ludwig,” MotherBrain said. “Morton has a plan to put those three beautiful princesses out of the game for good. Or should I say it will put them out of the game for bad?” She laughed.

“That’s a good one, MotherBrain. What is our scheme this time?”

“Your brother here came up with a poisoned-apple idea.”

“Indeed. I trust, Morton, that it is deviously evil.”

“It sure is, brother Ludwig,” Morton said.

“Don’t you know that you shouldn’t drink coffee, Prince Ludwig?” Eggplant Wizard asked. “You’ll stunt your growth.”

Ludwig came close to Eggplant Wizard. The prince was some twenty centimeters taller than Eggplant. However, his stance was nonthreatening, so the vegetable was not terribly scared. “I am nineteen years old, Eggplant Wizard, so I’m pretty much as tall as I’m going to get. You might be glad that I am strongly opposed to smoking. Besides, my special filtering device has made my cup of coffee precisely 99.9% caffeine-free.” He stood back. “So, what is it to you, Eggplant Wizard?” Ludwig sipped some more coffee.

“Sorry.” At least you don’t stink like your father does, Eggplant Wizard thought to himself. How MotherBrain can stand him is beyond my comprehension. I think she should have married you.

MotherBrain turned to Wily, who was working at a lab table off to the side of the control room. “Dr. Wily, how is the apple coming?”

“It is coming along perfectly,” Wily said, “but you cannot rush genius.”

“We need it now, Wily,” Morton said.

“All right. One poison apple is ready for action.” He went over to MotherBrain and handed the apple to her.

“Excellent,” MotherBrain said. “That is enough for the moment, Dr. Wily. You are excused.”

Ludwig finished his coffee. “That’s good. I’ll go tell Dad.”

“Go ahead, Ludwig. We’ll wait.”

* * *

King Bowser Koopa’s Chambers.

In his father’s room, Ludwig told Bowser about the plan. “Excellent,” Bowser replied.

“It could even be an idea brighter that the light bulb, true?” Ludwig asked.

“That is possible, my son. Let’s go supervise.”

“Yes, Dad.”

* * *

Royal Kitchen, Palace of Power.

Later, at the Palace of Power, the home of the ruler of the entire Kingdom of VideoLand, Captain N was beginning to prepare lunch. “I would fix you another Captain N Special Pizza, Princess.”

“Thank you, Kevin,” Lana said. “But why won’t you?”

“I call it the ‘Captain N Special’ because I put in ‘N’ for nuts, ‘N’ for nachos, ‘N’ for nectarines, and ‘N’ for ‘no!’ In other words, if I made it, Duke would grab it.” Duke, Kevin’s dog, entered the kitchen. “And there he is now.”

Lana laughed. “I remember. I still think that you had better to rename it the ‘Duke Special.’ ”

“Very funny,” he replied with a good-natured grin. The doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it.” When she opened the door, she saw Eggplant Wizard cleverly dressed in a peasant disguise. She did not recognize him.

“Will you buy an apple from a poor soul? The cost is only 25 pence.”

Lana’s heart always went out to the poor. “All right. Thank you.” She placed one VideoLand twenty-pence and one five-pence in Eggplant Wizard’s hand, and he handed her the apple. When the door was closed, Eggplant Wizard turned to run but tripped in his disguise and fell face-flat on the floor, and dozens of vegetables popped out of him.

“I tested the apple while he was handing it to you,” Kevin said. “No worms.”

She tried to avoid scolding him for his skepticism. After all, he had her safety in mind. “Thanks, Kevin.” She bit into the apple. Before she could open her mouth for another bide, though, she started to lose consciousness and fall asleep. “Kevin!” She felt as though she were calling him from far away, and his concerned look lost focus rapidly. When she fell asleep on the floor, she was warped away. After that, MotherBrain, Eggplant Wizard, Morton, and Bowser appeared in a hologram.

“MotherBrain, Morton, and Bowser,” Kevin said. “What have you evil freaks done with the Princess?”

“What is the matter, Captain N?” Morton asked. “Do you not like fairy tales? You remember this one. The beautiful princess eats the poison apple and falls into a deep sleep.”

“Then, the handsome prince—that must be you, since you’re the least physically repugnant N‑Team member—must kiss her and awaken her out of the evil spell,” Bowser said.

“Out of new ideas, MotherBrain?” Kevin asked.

“This may be old, but it has a new twist,” said MotherBrain.

“Oh, and I think that it’s also the story in which the prince destroys the ugly, evil old witch, isn’t it?”

“That’s the one,” Eggplant Wizard said.

“Shut up, Eggplant Soufflé,” MotherBrain snapped to her minion. “I am not ugly, Captain N. I’m just drawn that way.”

Kevin considered a sly retort of, Yeah, right, but he realized that it would not serve him well.

“You had better hurry, Captain N,” Morton said. “The Princess has been warped to the Castle of Koopa in Dark Land of the Mushroom World. If she is not kissed and awakened by midnight tonight, she will continue to sleep forever. By the way, it was all my idea.” He laughed wickedly.

Captain N zapped the hologram with the Zapper, destabilizing the projection and making the evil ones disappear. Then, he went to the Royal Portraits room to find the others.

* * *

Royal Portraits Room, Palace of Power.

Within the Royal Portraits Room, Simon Belmont was putting a large covered painting onto the wall. Mario and Luigi walked into the room. “Hey, Simon,” Mario said. “What are you doing?”

“I’m adding a new painting to the royal portraits,” Simon said. “They obviously have forgotten the most important one.”

Mario suspected what the content of the painting would be. “May I have a look at it?”

“Of course.” Simon removed the cover, revealing a portrait of him smiling. “Tah-dah! What do you think? Is it me?”

“It looks a lot like you,” Luigi said. A whole lot, he thought to himself. Sheesh. Is there no end to this man’s vanity?

“Yes,” said Kid Icarus. Everyone else nodded assent, silently agreeing that Simon had allowed his vanity to get the best of him once again.

“It looks like a great portrait,” MegaMan said, “but it looks like it is hanging slightly crookedly.”

Simon gasped. “It is?” Attempting to adjust the painting, Simon fell off the stool on which he was standing, and the middle of the picture fell on his head. Rather than the head in the painting, his real head could be seen!

“You’ve been framed, Simon,” Mario said.

“Framed? Ew!”

An alarm sounded. “What is that?” asked Luigi.

Link and Zelda came into the room. “It’s a Moblin attack alert from Kakariko Village,” Link said. “I must go. You can stay, Zelda.” Shutting off the alarm along the way, Link ran to the warp to Hyrule.

Kevin came running into the room. “What’s wrong, Kevin?” asked Luigi.

“The Brain-Team has put a sleeping spell on Princess Lana and warped her to the Koopa Castle of Dark Land,” Kevin said.

“Dark Land? That’s in the Mushroom World,” said Peach.

“That castle belongs to Lemmy and Iggy Koopa,” Mario said. “It’s sure to be a doozy.”

“Why is that, Mario?” Kevin asked.

“The Terror-twins have the craziest sense of humor.”

“Terror-twins?”

“That’s what they’re calling themselves now.”

“Oh. So now, we’ll have to deal with the two Koopalings who have a sense of humor.”

“You don’t know the half of it,” Luigi said. “Yeesh! Those two trickster Koopalings could stop us dead in our tracks.”

“Wait a minute, let’s back up to the beginning of this track,” Simon said. “Did you mention a sleeping spell? You mean the kind in which the beautiful princess must be kissed by a handsome prince in order to be awakened?”

“Yes,” said Kevin. “So?”

“I don’t know how to break this to you, Captain N, but the fairy tale rule book is quite clear on these matters. I am the most handsome, so I must find the princess and kiss her.”

“Says who?” Kid Icarus asked. “Your mirror must distort images. Kevin’s the most handsome, Simon.”

“Well, he’s the most handsome person in the room,” Zelda said. Since Link isn’t here, she added mentally.

“We have no time to argue,” said Kevin.

“In case you haven’t noticed, Captain N, there’s a picture frame on my head,” Simon said.

“Hm. It looks great on you, Simon.”

“I’m glad it does. However, it is quite uncomfortable. Please get it off me!”

“Okay, Simon.” Captain N took his Zapper and blasted the picture frame’s atoms apart, releasing Simon. “There you are. Are you all right?”

“Whew. Thank you, Kevin.”

“Well, are we going to rescue Princess Lana?” MegaMan said.

“Yes, we are,” Kevin said. “Where’s Link?”

“He had to go to Hyrule to tend to a pesky Moblin attack,” Zelda said.

“Okay. Some of us will need to stay here to watch over the Palace of Power. Samus, you stay here with MegaMan, Kid Icarus, Princess Peach, and Princess Zelda. Radio me if anything comes up.”

“Yes, Captain N,” Samus said.

“All right. Simon, Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Yoshi, come with me. I’ll need your help in Dark Land.”

“Right, Captain N,” Simon said.

“Yes, Kevin,” Mario said.

“Right, Kevin,” Luigi said.

“Certainly, Kevin,” Toad said.

“Me weady and hungwy,” Yoshi said.

“All right, then,” Kevin said. “Let’s go.” He whistled. “Duke!” Duke entered. “We have to save the princess, boy.”

* * *

Control Room, Metroid.

Little did they suspect, however, that Ludwig and MotherBrain were spying on them via their monitor on Metroid. MotherBrain laughed. “They have taken the bait.”

Ludwig was sitting in his chair at his sophisticated computer. It was compatible with IBM, Windows, Macintosh, and all other conceivable operating systems, of course, as it used an operating system that he had written himself. “Yes, my dear brain. It is time to reel them in by calling the Terror-twins.” He pressed a button on his computer that initiated contact between Metroid and the Dark Land Koopa Castle. “This is Ludwig von Koopa calling Lemmy Koopa and Iggy Koopa. Come in, please.”

With excellent subspace radio reception, Lemmy’s voice sounded over the speaker. “Yes, Ludwig. This is Lemmy. What’s up?”

“Those Ninten‑Twerps have taken the bait like ravenous piranha,” Ludwig said.

“Good. Iggy and I are ready for the attack.”

“Excellent. Have all the fun you want. One thing I want you to remember though, little brothers: I want them to get through. That is so we can lure them into the Nightmare Universe to keep their beautiful princess company.”

“We’ll remember that, big brother. Over and out.”

Ludwig saw the door opening. “Well, well. Here come Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo.” He pressed a button on his chair’s arm cushion that made the chair move (with him in it) to the center of the control room. In came Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo. “I trust that you lame-brains have your reports ready?”

“Absolutely,” King Hippo said.

Eggplant Wizard shoved King Hippo aside. “Out of the way, blimpo. He wants to see mine first. Yes, I have my report ready. I had no time to type it, so I hand-wrote it. See what you think.”

Ludwig shook his head and sighed. The report read exactly like this, except the hand-written version was almost illegible:

The Report of the Egplant Wizzard: I have listened today, July the twentieth, nineteen hundred ninety-one, to Morton Koopa, Jr.’s, devious plan to gett rid of the IN‑Team. It is perfect! No one could ever have came up with a perfecter plan to conquer VideoLand. Meanwhile, Ludwig have been dreaming up devious plotts to dgo even futher with this devius plott.

Ludwig shook his head and fixed Eggplant Wizard with an imperious glare. “Your report is far from satisfactory, Eggplant Wizard. You should, first of all, use white-out to eliminate these errors that you have crossed out. ‘N‑Team’ is not spelled ‘I - N - hyphen - T - e - a - m.’ It is spelled ‘N - hyphen - T - e - a - m.’ ‘Eggplant’ is spelled with two G’s, not one, and that is a fact that you ought to know well by now. In the date, you should use figures for the numbers. It should read as the date in figure format, the month name, and the year in figure format. ‘Get’ has only one T. You should say ‘have come’ instead of ‘have came.’ ‘More perfect’ should be used instead of ‘perfecter.’ ‘Ludwig has been’ should be used instead of ‘Ludwig have been.’ ‘Plot’ has only one T. The year is 1992. The date is July 31. And you should improve your style of hand-writing, Mr. Eggplant Wizard, or you are going out the door. Type it correctly, and use the spell checker. Dismissed!”

“Okay, Prince Ludwig,” Eggplant Wizard said. “Whatever you say.”

“Bright lad.” Ludwig pressed a button on the right armrest of his chair. A trap door under Eggplant Wizard opened, and Eggplant Wizard fell into a warp to his and King Hippo’s bedroom. (Actually, the term ‘bedroom’ is extravagant for a room with two layered hammocks.) “Now for you, King Hippo. Let me see your report.”

Trying to keep his hand from trembling, King Hippo handed his report to Ludwig. “I typed it, proof-read it, and retyped it while correcting the errors I had made, Your Highness.”

Ludwig was pleased. “Well, now. This one bears much more promise.”

King Hippo’s report looked and read exactly as follows:

King Hippo’s report: Today, the date of 31 July 1992, I have listened to Morton Koopa, Jr.’s, excellent plan to conquer VideoLand. I must say that it is one of the best plans I have ever heard in my life. It will certainly give the N‑Team a pain. Prince Ludwig von Koopa has come up with plots to make this devious plot even more despicable.

“Well, well, well. This is much better than the wizard’s report. I must praise you, King Hippo.”

King Hippo bowed. “Oh, thank you, Your Highness.”

“Believe me, I am very satisfied. You did very well. There is one little error, but it is minor.” The door opened, and Eggplant Wizard entered the room again. “Ah, Eggplant Wizard. Is your report correct this time?”

“It should be,” Eggplant Wizard said, proffering the report to Ludwig.

Ludwig took the report. “Yes, it should be.” He read it and nodded several times during the reading.. “Yes, this is much more like it. You did it correctly this time.”

“Thank you, Your Hairiness.”

“Now, let us get on with business, shall we?”

“Yes,” MotherBrain said. “King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard, Dr. Wily is just finishing his new batch of deep-sleep apples. Captain N has left the Palace. I want you to take the apples and feed them to those good-guy twerps still at the Palace of Power.”

“Aw, MotherBrain,” King Hippo said. “Do you really think that we can pull this off? Maybe there are others who are more qualified for a job such as this.”

“Oh, of course. Thank you, King Hippo. I was about to make a terrible mistake.” She turned on the radio communicator. “This is MotherBrain calling Larry Koopa, Roy Koopa, and Wendy O. Koopa. Come to my chamber right away, please.”

In a few minutes, Larry, Roy, and Wendy came in. “What is it, O evil mother of all brains?” Larry asked.

“I dig the plan of my loud-mouthed little brother, Morton,” Roy said. “It’s so sneaky that I could almost go into Nightmare World myself and bully those good guy twerps to death.”

“As long as I get what I want, I won’t complain,” said Wendy.

“Her Braininess has called you here because you are the best ones to do a sneaky job that she has planned,” Ludwig said.

“Yes, guys,” MotherBrain said. “I want you three little darlings to feed those people at the Palace of Power their apples. Their deep-sleep apples!” She laughed.

“Don’t worry, O evil ones,” Larry said. “We shall do your bidding.”

“Give my regards to those sorry good guys,” Ludwig said.

Dr. Wily entered. “The apples are ready, MotherBrain.”

“Good,” MotherBrain said.

Larry pulled out a bag. “Here’s a bag for the apples. Once in the Palace, we can feed them to those N‑Team pests.”

“Good,” Ludwig said. “Put the apples in your bag and be on your way. I shall be watching on my super space monitor.”

Larry placed the apples in the sack. Ludwig pressed a button on the left arm cushion of his chair to go over to his super computer. Here, he turned on his super space monitor and focused it on the Palace of Power. Then, Larry, Roy, and Wendy left to the Palace of Power through a warp zone. They exited the warp zone in a hidden place inside the Palace of Power, near where Samus Aran, MegaMan, Kid Icarus, Princess Peach, and Princess Zelda were watching over VideoLand on the Palace’s monitor.

“It is now time to jam their TV signal for an Eggplant Bulletin,” Ludwig said. “Ready, Eggplant?”

“Ready, Prince Ludwig,” Eggplant Wizard said.

* * *

Meeting Room, next to the Throne Room, Palace of Power.

In the Palace of Power’s meeting room, the team members there were taking advantage of the large monitor to keep an eye on the situation across VideoLand. “I hope that Captain N and the others find Lana,” Princess Peach said.

“I do, too,” MegaMan said. “I also have a feeling that something bad is about to happen.”

On the monitor, an icon appeared for a special message. MegaMan switched the viewer to the message, and Eggplant Wizard appeared on the screen.

“This is a special Eggplant Bulletin,” the vegetable said. “The Palace of Power is under attack.”

“What?” asked Peach.

“There’s no one here but us,” Zelda said.

Three Koopalings barged into the room: Larry, Roy and Wendy. “That’s what you think, Princess Numskull,” Wendy said, screeching with shrill laughter.

“Now, don’t try anything,” Roy said. “Just let me give you these deep-sleep apples, and—uh‑oh! I just made a big mistake.”

“Yes, but we can still give some bad dreams to these April Fools,” Larry said. “Ha, ha, ha!”

“That’s what you think, Larry,” Samus said. “Give me those apples, or I’ll blast you with my Wave Beam.”

“This female space officer in the space suit really sends shivers down my spine,” Larry said, trying to control a case of the giggles. “Oh, I am so scared.” He laughed.

“I shall show you, Koopalings.” When Samus fired, the beam shorted out as soon as it touched Larry. “What the!”

“Oh, that really hurt. Not!” Larry roared with laughter. The minute he stopped, he was all business. “Now, if you do not mind, I would like to get this done today.”

“It’s arrow-time,” said Kid Icarus.

“You think so?” Roy said. “Well, I think it’s beat-up-Kid-Icarus-time.” Laughing, Roy grabbed Kid Icarus and tossed him into the wall.

“Ow!”

As her brothers kept the others busy, Wendy seized and tied up the two princesses and sneaked them by the others. When this was accomplished, she tapped Larry on the shoulder twice and warped the princesses off to Metroid.

“Well, it’s been fun sparring with you, but we must leave,” Larry said. “It’s almost lunch time. MotherBrain gets really ticked when we’re late. Farwell.” The Koopalings left.

“Well, that was strange,” MegaMan said. He looked around. “Hey. Where did the princesses go?”

“We turn our backs for a minute, and they’re gone,” said Samus.

“That explains the Brain-Team’s hasty retreat,” Kid Icarus said. “We must go immediately to Metroid and save the princesses.”

“First, let’s call Captain N and the Marios,” MegaMan said. “They’ll need to know what’s happening.”

“Let’s call them before it’s too late,” Samus said.

* * *

Control Room, Metroid.

Ludwig was still watching on his super space monitor in Metroid. “It is already too late, Samus.”

“Is it?” King Hippo said. Ludwig turned to see him struggling with Princess Peach. “I can’t get this princess to keep her mouth open long enough for me to put the poison apple into it.”

“I’ll help you,” Eggplant Wizard said. “Hold her mouth open. I’ll drop the apple into her mouth.” King Hippo held Princess Peach’s mouth open. Eggplant Wizard dropped in a slice of the deep-sleep apple. She went to sleep without delay.

“Now, let’s do the same with Princess Zelda,” King Hippo said.

* * *

Lemmy and Iggy’s Castle, Dark Land, Mushroom World.

Meanwhile, way across VideoLand at Dark Land in the Mushroom World, the Marios received the transmission from Kid Icarus. Mario gaped when he heard Kid Icarus’s report through his Panini-shaped communicator unit. “They did what to the two other princesses? And now they are on Metroid? Well, lay low for a while, or head for Metroid if you feel you can do it. See you later.”

“This is terrible,” Luigi said.

“Don’t worry; we’ll save them after this,” Kevin said. The group went north a short ways. As they emerged from a tunnel, they saw a tall, dark castle stretch before them. “We are there.”

“Lemmy and Iggy Koopa’s Castle,” Mario said.

* * *

Control Room, Lemmy and Iggy’s Castle.

Lemmy and Iggy Koopa were watching inside on their monitor. “You’ve got that right, Mario,” Iggy said. “Our hideout has the craziest format available.”

“Iggy, let’s give them a crazy time in the ol’ castle tonight.”

“Great idea, brother Lemmy. Bring in Dr. Wily’s Gear Clowns!”

Lemmy pressed a button on their control panel to summon three of Wily’s Gear Clowns, mechanical clowns balancing on metal gears, to their chamber. They soon rolled into the room. “What is your command, O nutty Koopalings?” the lead clown asked.

“Get out there and scare the smelly stuff out of those N‑Team bozos.”

“You have it!” The clowns warped to the front door.

* * *

Front Door, Lemmy and Iggy’s Castle.

As the team approached, the door opened to grant exit to a trio of Gear Clowns. Mario gasped. “Something tells me this is the welcome wagon.”

Captain N drew his Zapper. “These fools are a cinch. Stand back.” He fired his Zapper and hit one Gear Clown’s gear, destroying the gear.

The Gear Clown screamed. “Gear Clowns cannot walk. I’ll fall through the ground!” So he did.

“He really fell for that one,” Kevin said.

“All right, you renegades from a tune-up shop,” Simon said. “Try tackling with Simon Belmont, the vampire hunter.” Simon drew his whip. With one lash, he destroyed another Gear Clown’s metallic steed. This Gear Clown, too, fell through the ground to his doom.

Mario took out a Fire Flower that he had grabbed along the way and transformed into Fire Mario. “Let’s see how you handle a little firepower, Gear Clown.” He fired and destroyed the last Gear Clown’s gear. This last Gear Clown, too, fell to meet with death.

“Come on,” Kevin said. “Time is wasting. We must reach the princess before midnight.”

Yoshi froze as he gazed at the intimidating castle. “Ooh! Me scared of Koopaling Fortresses. They filled with spooks and ghosts.” As he stood there, a large block moved itself into position above him.

“Ah!” Luigi cried. “There’s a Thwomp Trap right above you, Yoshi.”

Yoshi looked up and saw the Thwomp Trap Stone. With a shriek, he made a break for it before the Thwomp smashed him into a dinosaur-pancake. “Oh, thanks Luigi.”

Mario forced open the gate to the castle. “Quickly! Into the fortress. It’s safe at the beginning.” They all ran in. In front of them, all they could see were bouncing fire rings. “Oh, great. Now, not even the beginning is safe.”

“I’m sure that the others are doing much better than we are,” Toad said. “I bet that they have those cruddy Koopas begging for mercy right now.”

“I extremely doubt it,” Luigi said. “Yeesh, this looks hard!”

“If I can press ‘Up’ and ‘Select’ on my Power Pad at the right time, we just might pause those loops in the right line and we may be able to make it through the trap,” Kevin said. “If this doesn’t work, though, someone will be able to serve us on a hot-and-crispy dinner platter.”

“If this were our first collaboration, I’d be very concerned right about now,” Mario said.

Kevin waited until he believed that the rings were at the correct angle and height for the trick to work. Then, he pressed ‘Up’ and ‘Select’ on his Power Pad at the same time. “Air-Run and Pause!” They moved quickly to the end without a scorch.

“Whew! Nice going, Kevin. For a second there, I thought that we were going to be over-cooked spaghetti noodles.”

“Uh, thank you, Mario. Now, let’s get to Lemmy’s and Iggy’s lair.”

“Uh, oh,” Luigi said. “It looks like we’ll have to deal with some renegade bouncing balls. Look!” The room ahead of them was filled with bouncing balls.

“Oh, great,” Simon said. “Brought to us courtesy of those two mentally unstable Koopalings, I wouldn’t doubt.”

“Come on, Captain N,” Mario said. “Let’s pulverize these renegade balls.”

“I’m with you, Mario,” Kevin said. He zapped some of the balls with his Zapper. Mario blasted some with fireballs. Yoshi used his tongue to eat some. Simon used his whip to lash some of the balls. When they were through, only a blue mess remained on the floor. Duke made a loud bark.

“Maybe that will teach them not to mess with the N‑Team,” Toad said.

“I wouldn’t count on that, Toad,” Luigi said.

“Gee, Luigi, where did you learn to be so optimistic?” Toad asked with a little sarcasm apparent in his voice.

“Come on,” Mario said. “We can’t quit now.”

* * *

Lemmy and Iggy were still watching on their monitor. “Blast those heroes,” Iggy said. “They’re breaking all our toys.”

“Those good guys have seen nothing yet,” Lemmy said. “Send in the foul balls.”

“Will do.” Iggy pressed a button.

* * *

The N‑Team came into a large room. Trying to catch his breath, Luigi leaned against a wall. “Can’t we rest just a little bit? I’m tired.”

“We don’t have time to rest, Luigi,” Mario said. “We have to rescue a princess.”

“Heads up, guys,” Kevin said. “I think I see some foul balls.”

The foul balls that were flying towards them were shaped like baseballs, and they spat acid at the heroes. Kevin fried several of them with his Zapper. Mario got some more with his fireball. Unfortunately, the spit-fire from one of the foul balls hit Mario, so he lost his firepower.

“Uh‑oh. No more fireballs,” exclaimed Mario.

“I’ll get these foul spit-balls before you can blink,” Simon declared. With skill, he whipped several balls.

Luigi searched for a power-up in his pocket. Suddenly, he felt a flask containing warp formula. “Hey, guess what I found in my pocket. A warp potion!”

“Give it to me,” Kevin said. Luigi gave the potion to him. Captain N threw it at the wall. The flask shattered, allowing the potion to soak into the wall. In seconds, a swirling blue vortex had formed in front of the wall. “Quick! Get into it.” The good guys entered the warp zone and escaped the foul balls’ assault.

* * *

They emerged at the door to Lemmy’s and Iggy’s chamber. Suddenly, Lemmy appeared to them in a hologram. “Do you give up, or are you thirsty for more?” Lemmy asked.

“You’re on, you demented Koopaling,” Kevin said.

“Let’s see if you can defeat Iggy and me, you N‑Team weaklings.”

“We’ll make you regret that remark, Lemmy,” Mario said. Lemmy’s hologram disappeared.

“Do we have to do it now?” Luigi said.

“I help fix Lemmy’s wagon, Captain,” Yoshi said.

“I’ll go along,” said Toad.

“I’m with you, Kevin,” Mario said.

“Well, I guess I can come along,” Luigi said. They all entered the red double-doors.

Iggy’s chair turned around so he could face the N‑Team. “Good day, foul goody-two-shoeses.”

“Good day, N‑Twerps,” Lemmy said.

“Where is the princess?” Kevin asked.

“She is in that room behind us,” said Lemmy.

“Then, let us through,” Simon said.

“Never,” said Iggy.

“Oh, yeah?” Mario said. “See how you like a stomp, Iggy Koopa.” Mario leapt high into the air. He landed squarely on Iggy’s back, and Iggy went into his shell and spun around the room for a few seconds. At last he emerged, dizzy.

“Ow! Oh. Let me off at the next bus stop.” Iggy fell back-flat on the floor.

Lemmy gasped. “They’ve defeated you, little brother. I think that it’s time to retreat.” Lemmy threw a warp potion on the floor and produced a warp zone. He picked up Iggy, ran over to the warp, and stopped. “As King Dad always says, he who Koops and runs away lives to Koop another day. Good‑bye, foul-weather enemies.” Lemmy carried his brother through the warp zone.

“You sure squashed the brains out of Iggy,” Kevin said.

“Thank you, pal,” Mario said. “Now, let’s free the princess.” They went into the room and saw Lana lying asleep on a table. “It looks like she’s all right. Kiss her, Kevin, to make sure that this is not just another trick. The Koopalings would never give up that easily.”

Kevin nodded. “Right.” He leaned over and kissed her. However, nothing happened. “It’s not working. Again!”

“Let me try, Kevin,” Mario said.

“Uh, all right, but just this once, Mario.”

“Of course. Luigi, give me a lift.” Luigi went to the table. Mario leapt onto his back, bent over, and gave Lana a kiss on the lips. “Hey! It’s not working.”

“Ha,” Simon scoffed. “You couldn’t wake up a frog with a kiss like that. Here. Let me show you how a real man does it.” He got out his comb—which bore the initials SB—and his mirror. He combed his hair with undisguised vanity.

Kevin sighed. “All right. You look great. Now, kiss her already!” Simon Belmont kissed her. Still, nothing happened. “It’s not working, darn it. She’s not waking up.”

“Maybe it’s my breath.”

Kevin looked at the clock, which read, ‘0.00:01.’ One second past midnight. Hence, it was now August 1. “It’s too late.”

MotherBrain’s hologram appeared on the scene. “I can’t believe that you idiots fell for that trick again,” she said with a foul laugh. “You cannot awaken her! She and the other two princesses are in the Nightmare Universe, and you would have to go there to have any hope of saving them.” As she finished, Ludwig von Koopa’s hologram appeared next to her.

“The evil Prince Baron Ludwig von(Bowser)Koopa,” Mario said. “I might have known that you had something to do with this latest deed of foul-doing.”

“Ah, yes,” Ludwig said. “If you would like to awaken your princesses, just take a bite.” A basket of Wily’s deep-sleep apples appeared. “But be warned, because in the Nightmare Universe, as you well know, your worst fears will come to haunt you.”

“And you’ll remember that the price for failure is never waking up,” MotherBrain said. Both holograms disappeared.

Simon took an apple. A worm popped out of it. Revolted, he dropped it. “Yuck! No way am I going to eat one of these things.”

Mario took an apple. “Do whatever you want. We’re going after the princesses.” As soon as he bit the apple, Mario fell into a deep sleep. Then, Luigi did the same; then Yoshi; then Toad; then Captain N; and finally Duke.

Simon picked up his apple. “I cannot let any of them rescue the princesses. It’ll ruin my stellar reputation. Oh, well; maybe just a little bite.” When he got ready to bite, the worm popped out and bit him on the nose! Simon fell asleep.

MotherBrain’s and Ludwig’s holograms reappeared. “Pity the fools,” Ludwig said with a sinister grin.

“Don’t they know that an apple a day keeps the N‑Team away?” MotherBrain asked. The two evildoers laughed.