19--RMWVL, Part 3: The Koopa Family Secret

July 29.

Control Room, Metroid, VideoLand.

ithin the frightful world of Metroid, MotherBrain and Ludwig von Koopa were trying to discover a way of stopping the N‑Team, but to no avail. “Our problem is quite a dilemma,” MotherBrain said. “I know. Let me consult my Metroid Mind-Mirror.”

“Any crazy stunt to get rid of that insufferable N‑Team,” Ludwig said. “Go ahead.”

MotherBrain turned to her mirror.

“Metroid Mind-mirror on my wall,

Tell me how to destroy those N‑Twerps once and for all!”

The Metroid Mind-Mirror replied,

“You have me beat, that’s really true.

I don’t know what you must do.”

MotherBrain gasped. “See if I ask you anything anymore, smart-mouth.” The image in the mirror stuck out her tongue.

Ludwig then destroyed the mirror with his scepter. “Sorry about that, but that mirror really gets on my nerves.”

“I only got it at a flea market, Ludwig. It was the least expensive of its kind. I now know that cheap magic mirrors stink like a carpet a dog tinkled on and no one ever treated promptly.”

Ludwig smelled something distasteful. “Speaking of a putrid smell, what a stench. What is that, over-cooked hamburger?”

Eggplant Wizard was bringing out the very delicacy. He attempted rhyme to please Ludwig.

“Well, Ludwig, O evil boss,

I have your royal lunch ready,

All covered in tartar sauce.”

“A burnt hamburger smothered with tartar sauce and presented with an awful rhyme? Get rid of it. You cooked it. Why don’t you eat it?”

“I’m trying to be a strict vegetarian. Besides, red meat gives me gas.”

“Then—no, I would hate to feed that junk to the Metroids. It would probably be toxic to them.”

“Feed it to Ridley,” MotherBrain said. “He loves burnt food.”

“Ridley?” Eggplant cried. “No way. He isn’t going to burn me up. I hate dragons. How about I feed it to Kraid? He’s really draggin’ for burnt food.”

“Anyone,” Ludwig said. “Just remove it from the range of my senses.”

“I’d rather just get a dog and have Eggplant Wizard bitten,” MotherBrain said.

King Bowser Koopa entered. “Hi, guys. Oh, yuck! What is that awful stench?”

“Want a burger with tartar sauce, King Koop?” Eggplant Wizard asked.

“A burger with tartar sauce? How disgusting. Get rid of it before I squish you. Now!” When he drew his scepter, Eggplant Wizard ran.

“I require a plan to tear those good guys to smithereens,” Ludwig said. “I shall form a plan to make their brains explode with too much thought.”

“There must be something we can do. I really hate those goody-goods, also,” said MotherBrain.

“All this thinking is driving me Insane. If it weren’t for all of our incompetent employees, my brain would not be so hazy.” As Ludwig concentrated, King Hippo began to the level where numerous wires connected far above the floor.

“Hey,” King Hippo cried. “What’s happening to me?”

“My goodness,” MotherBrain said. “Ludwig, look up.”

Ludwig stopped his thinking to look up. “Oh, my word. What the devil is happening?” With that, King Hippo fell on his fat head.

“Did some invisible bats get into this place?”

Ludwig went to his computer and activated the enormous encyclopedia stored in a multitude of isolinear chips and magnetic disks. He looked up mind powers and the various subtitles. “Let’s see. Telepathy, no. Aha. Telekinesis.” He looked it up. “According to this, telekinesis is a condition in which mind powers of people are able to manipulate external objects. We must be telekinetic. I knew we were probably telepathic.”

MotherBrain laughed. “Looks like the N‑Team is out of luck. With our powers, we can stop ’em good.” The villains went on to laugh with insanity.

* * *

Dining Room, Palace of Power.

In the Palace of Power’s royal dining room, Kevin’s friends were eating breakfast. He entered. “Good morning, everyone. How are you?”

Lana smiled at him affectionately. “Fine, Kevin. How are you?”

He returned the look so subtly that only she knew he was doing it. “Fine. Has anyone seen Duke? He’s usually around.”

“In the Palace Courtyard‑icus,” Kid Icarus said. “I saw him lying comfortably on a mound in the garden.”

“Thanks, Kid Icarus. I’ll be back.”

“Better hurry, Captain N,” Simon said. “Dally too long, and the rest of these delicious pancakes will be in me.”

“All right.” Kevin went to the door to the courtyard and called his dog. Duke arose from where Kid Icarus said he was and entered. Kevin patted his head. “Hey, Duke. When did you go out there?”

“According to my internal chronometer, he went out there two hours ago,” MegaMan said.

Suddenly, MotherBrain’s evil hologram appeared on the scene. “Hello, Princess Lana.” She bellowed with most unpleasant laughter.

“Have you called to give us a threat?” VideoLand’s ruler asked. “If you have, issue it and begone. I have no time to waste on you today.”

MotherBrain did not appear the slightest bit offended by Lana’s dismissal. “Not at all, my dear. Instead, I called to give you a sample of the newly discovered powers of the Koopas’ and my minds. I believe this should be enough to properly warn you. Warn you to stay away from Metroid.” Her wicked hologram disappeared. Suddenly, everyone began to float toward the ceiling.

“Oh, and just when we were beginning the day,” Simon moaned. “I’ll have to do my hair all over again.”

“Whoa,” said Kevin. “This is crazy.”

With that, everyone fell to the floor.

“That does it,” Mario said. “I’m not putting up with that mad brain anymore. I’ll fix her.”

“How, brother?” Luigi asked. “Metroid’s a tough nut to crack. They’ve found ways to block most of our warps now.”

“We’ll find a way to stop this madness. I’ll fight all the mini-bosses if I have to.”

“But with Kraid and Ridley, that’s more trouble than you can handle alone,” Peach said.

“Then I say that we all go to pull the plug on their wicked plans,” Kevin said.

* * *

Control Room, Metroid.

In MotherBrain’s lair within Metroid, the entire Brain-Team was watching the N‑Team on MotherBrain’s monitor. “Oh, those good guys always get in my brain cells,” MotherBrain said.

“Don’t worry,” Eggplant Wizard said. “I’ll make them cry with a bunch of onions.”

“That won’t be necessary. I’ll have the welcome mat put out.” They watched as the N‑Team entered the Palace’s warp to Metroid.

“They have no idea how foolish it is for them to come here,” Ludwig said.

“Those dumb do-gooders have ignored the sampling of our powers, so it’s time to give them a big headache,” said Bowser before he guffawed.

* * *

The N‑Team arrived in Upper Brinstar, the vegetated region close to Metroid’s surface. “I haven’t been here to Metroid in quite a while,” said Lana. “Look out for traps.”

“Don’t worry about me,” Mario said. “I can spot a booby-trap two miles away.” A phone on the wall rang. Mario went over and answered it. “Yes?”

“Hello, booby,” Eggplant Wizard said. “Welcome to Metroid. This is a trap.” A boxing glove popped out of the phone and hit Mario in the chin. With a scream, he fell backwards onto his rear end.

“Don’t feel too mega-bad,” MegaMan said. “I once fell for that, too.”

“It’s only been a few days since I’ve played the game,” Kevin said. “This way. MotherBrain’s lair is in Tourian.”

* * *

Control Room, Metroid.

MotherBrain turned to Ludwig. “Right now, it’s the middle of the Metroid hatching season.”

“Yes,” Ludwig said. “Those heroes are definitely in for a big surprise. The hatching season is when new Metroid Creatures are born. So, I can use the N‑Team as the baby bottles that will nourish my new mutated baby Metroid.” With an evil laugh, he wheeled in an incubator. The egg within contained this monstrous new Metroid.

* * *

Later, passing through the corridors of the deadly world of Metroid, the N‑Team made the dangerous journey to MotherBrain’s lethal control room deep in Tourian. “Now, be on your guard, everyone,” Kevin said. “This door could open up a whole chamber of doom.” He carefully opened the door. Inside were MotherBrain, all the Koopas, and Eggplant Wizard. “Uh, oh. I think we made a big, big mistake.”

“You bet,” MotherBrain said. “Iggy, show them what we can do with our newfound powers.”

“You bet, Your Braininess,” Iggy said. “I’ll damage them so much that their bodies will be racked with pain.”

“I think that we’d better make a retreat,” MegaMan said.

“Oh, no you won’t. I already have you beaten. For my first trick, I’ll turn you into canned mega-meat.”

MegaMan was thrust upwards so that his head hit the ceiling. He yelped. “Get me out of here. I feel like I’m being mega-mashed.”

“That’s because I’m increasing the air pressure around your puny tin-can body. Now that I’ve given you the squeeze, I’ll decrease the heat around you to ‑273° Celsius to make you mega-freeze. For those of you who are not science whizzes, that is the temperature where all molecular motion stops cold.” Iggy tittered maliciously.

MegaMan shivered violently. “Brrr! I’m being mega-chilled. I got your little joke, Iggy Koopa.”

“Thank you for stalling them, Iggy. My new breed of super-Metroid is now ready for action.”

“Super-Metroid?” Kevin asked. “I don’t like the sound of that.”

“Good,” Larry said. “I know that this Metroid is too powerful for you, so now you guys’ name is mud, and mud spelled backwards is dumb without the ending B.”

“All right, N‑Twerps,” MotherBrain said. “Come forward to the control panel quietly. We shall restrain you and make your death painless.”

Simon took his whip. “Not so fast, MotherBozo. I’ll fix you.” With his whip, he grabbed the container with the Metroid. “Ha! I got your new little pet.”

“Why, you vaunting vampire-hunter.”

“Uh, oh,” Eggplant Wizard said. “Before the going gets rough, I’m getting out of here.”

Bowser Koopa grabbed Eggplant Wizard by the arm. “Oh, get back here. That Metroid is about to hatch, and Simon will be its first snack.”

True to Bowser’s word, the Metroid broke out of its glass jar moments later. Simon gasped. “Mama!” The Metroid floated above Simon and mutated into a huge, hideous new monster never seen before.

Kevin gulped. “Samus, I hope you have enough missiles.”

“I think I have a sufficient supply.” Samus fired her missiles at the new Metroid, but they did no good.

“Uh, oh,” Lana said. “I hate to retreat, but let’s beat it.”

Dr. Wily blocked the exit. “Not so fast. I’m bringing on WoodMan, my favorite petrified plank of wood-like metal.” He pressed a button on the control panel. Another door opened to admit WoodMan. “All right, WoodMan. Help to destroy the N‑Team and Captain N.”

With the new Metroid hatching, Iggy had released MegaMan. “I’ll waste WoodMan,” MegaMan said. “Leave this cedar-brain to me, and he’ll be toothpicks in no time flat.” He fired CrashBombs at WoodMan, and soon, nothing was left of the android tree-trunk but toothpicks.

Dr. Wily picked up and examined a toothpick. He snapped it in anger after a moment. “Why must you be so literal?”

“Don’t worry, doc,” Eggplant Wizard said. “I’m calling the fiendish Micks from Mount Icarus.”

“Oh, no you won’t, you rotten eggplant‑icus,” Kid Icarus said. “I’ll personally see to that.”

“How will you do that, Kid Icky?”

“I’ll show you.” Kid Icarus fired his helicopter arrow at Eggplant Wizard. The point was a suction cup that stuck to Eggplant Wizard’s head, and the fletching was a miniature helicopter propeller. As the propeller began spinning, the arrow carried Eggplant Wizard away into the air.

“I’ll get you for this, Kid Wimpicus,” the sorcerer cried.

“They’ve beaten one of our fools,” MotherBrain cried.

“Yes, but the Brain-Team still rules,” Ludwig said.

“Yes, and he means that we rule VideoLand,” Larry said. “All of it. Metroid, sic ’em.”

“We’ll give the N‑Team the boot,” Roy said, “especially the princesses. I can’t stand nice rulers.”

“Oh, yeah?” said Kevin. “Well, my Zapper has something to say about that. N‑Team, hit the deck. Spin!” As his teammates dropped themselves to the floor, he pressed the B‑button on his Power Pad. He spun and fired his Zapper in all directions. In doing so, he shot all the evil characters and destroyed the new Metroid, but he missed all the N‑Team.

“Oh, darn,” Ludwig said. “You’ve destroyed my Metroid, Captain N. I’ll fix you.” He tried to think the guys into oblivion, but his brain powers were not functioning now! “No! You drained my telekinesis energy with your unseemly Zapper bolt. I hate you, Captain N. I’ll get even with you for this.”

“Well, I hate to win and run, but I think that we’d better get back to the Palace of Power before you regain their telekinetic powers,” Kevin said. The N‑Team quickly took its leave.

“Looks like we got stopped instead of the N‑Team,” Lemmy said.

“What was your first clue?” Iggy asked sarcastically.

* * *

Throne Room, Palace of Power.

Soon, the N‑Team had returned to the Palace of Power. “Well, we showed them the trouble with super-brains, didn’t we, Kevin?” Lana asked.

“We sure did,” Kevin said.

“That ought to give them brain-strains for a while,” said Kid Icarus.

“Right, Kid,” MegaMan said.

“Oh, what a day,” Simon said. “I got a hair out of place. You saved our necks, Captain N, but did I really have to hit the floor and mess up my hair?”

“How about pasta?” Mario said.

“Yes,” Luigi said. “I’m rather hungry right now.”

* * *

Control Room, Metroid.

Back on the Planet of SR388, MotherBrain and the rest of the Koopas were watching the N‑Team on their monitor in anger. “You good guys,” MotherBrain said. “When I take over the galaxy, I’m banishing you to planet Earth. Probably to Siberia.”

“Yes,” said Ludwig. “You are worth nothing in our books. I shall get you for this someday. If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll get you.”

“N‑Team, when we attack, my little cow in the Mushroom World will make you go, ‘Moo,’ ” Mouser said.

Ludwig cocked an eyebrow. “Moo?”

“Mouser, you fool,” MotherBrain snapped in rage. “Out of our sight. You did absolutely nothing.” She shocked him. Screaming, he fled the room.

“Next time, N‑Team, you will regret the day that you crossed swords with Ludwig von Koopa and the Brain-Team,” Ludwig said.