9--RMWVL, Part 1, Ch.1

July 15.

Neon Castle, Valley of Koopa, Dinosaur Land, Mushroom World.

n his castle in the Valley of Koopa, which was in the middle of Dinosaur Land, King Bowser Koopa was trying to think of a way to stop the Mario Brothers, as usual. In his view, the Marios were meddlesome plumbers who continually prevented him from realizing his plans to conquer the Mushroom World.

The Koopas were Tortoisians {tór-té-zhyahnz}, a turtle-like bipedal mammal species. Tortoisians were capable of producing children with humans and other humanoids, although it was difficult when the male was the Tortoisian and the female was not. The Mushroom World had another species of sentient turtle-like creatures who were friendly with the Tortoisians, but they were true reptiles.

Tortoisians had naturally produced shells surrounding the body from the neck down to the pubic bone. These shells could be removed with little effort, but they still grew with the individual due to hormone secretions. As Tortoisians of noble blood aged through adolescence, they grew spikes on their shells for extra protection. The average height of Tortoisians was the same as the average height of humans.

Not all Tortoisians were evil, and in fact most for the past millennium had been good. In the eyes of the Mushroom Kingdom, however, Bowser Koopa was evil, as were his seven offspring. His oldest sons, Ludwig and Larry, were now a little bit taller than he was. The others, Roy, Wendy, Morton, Lemmy, and Iggy in descending order of age, were all still a bit shorter than he was. Bowser had red hair on his head and a green shell with several short spikes.

“Let us see, now,” said Bowser Koopa. “How shall I get those blasted Mario Brothers out of the Mushroom World? It’s been years since they dropped in and liberated the Mushroom Kingdom, and I still have not eliminated them.”

His eldest son, Prince and Baron Ludwig von Koopa, entered the room. Ludwig had dark hair on his head and a few spikes on his shell. His spikes were a little longer and sharper than Bowser’s. “Excuse me, Father. I have a couple of ideas.”

“Don’t keep me in suspense, Ludwig. What’s your plot?”

“We’ll divide-and-conquer all the Mushroom World, so that those blasted Mario Brothers will not be able to tell up from down. I have completed all the new magical scepters for everyone. We could supplement our assault with a device that would take away the gravitational properties of the Mushroom World.” Ludwig could use even the most primitive items available to create the most effective inventions.

“Ludwig, that’s a mean, rotten, idea. So I love it! Ha, ha, ha! I’m glad you thought of it. Let’s get to work.”

* * *

Later, at the Doomship docks outside the castle, the Koopalings were gathered to hear about their oldest brother’s plot. “This plan had better include me getting something I want, King Dad, or I’m going to make you regret it,” Wendy said. She had a pink bow in her hair. Her brown shell had no spikes yet. However, her voice and her tongue were both sharp enough to make up for it.

“Keep your shell on, Wendy,” Bowser said. “I’ll get you anything your cruel little heart desires, as soon as we extinguish the Mario Brothers, that fuzzy little fungus Toad, Princess Peach Toadstool, and that crazy, gobble-anything-up little dinosaur, Yoshi. Now, Koopa Klan, listen up. I’ll tell you which areas you get for your own until we blast those Mario Brothers. Then, you can take whichever land you choose. Ludwig, distribute the new scepters.” Ludwig took a box marked ‘scepters’ and distributed each scepter to its marked owner. “Thank you. Larry Koopa, step forward.”

“What land do I get, Dad?” Larry had hair in his father’s style but with Ludwig’s hair-color. He had some small spikes on his shell. He was also known to be something of a philanderer.

“You may have the Mushroom Kingdom, Dream Land, Sarasaland, the Grass Land, Desert Land, and Water Land. Use your scepter to fry those Mushroomian bums so badly they’ll regret they were born.”

“Sure thing. May I take candy away from all the babies?”

“Now, Larry, that’s a rotten thing to do. Do it for me!”

“Very well, Dad.” Laughing, he ran to the warp pipe area.

“Morton, step forward.”

“Yes, King Dad?” said Morton. He had a brown shell and few hairs on his head. He was quite a motor mouth. No spikes adorned his shell yet. “Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it. Yessiree, I’ll sure make you proud. I’ll. . .”

“Pipe down, will you? Okay, now. I want you to Koopa-Kapture the Land of the Giants, Sky Land, and Ice Land. Use your magical scepter to fix those dumb-heads in those stupid kingdoms. And remember, loudmouth them to death. Make sure they hear you loud and clear. With any luck, your hot air will melt Ice Land dry.”

“I’m on my way.” While laughing, Morton ran to the warp pipes.

“Wendy O. Koopa, my precious princess, step forward.”

“Yes, King Dad,” said Wendy.

“Pipe Land is in dire need of repair. I want you to fix it so that all those precisely tight pipes will leak millions of liters of water each day. And, if you want, turn all the pipes into a lifetime supply of mirrors with your magic scepter.”

“Thanks, King Dad.” She ran to the Pipe Land Warp Pipe as she screeched with hideous laughter.

Bowser was not decreasing the amount of territory given to each Koopaling. The amount he gave was equal to all of them. Being a massive system of water pipes and sewer pipes for much of the Mushroom World, Pipe Land was just as large as the Mushroom Kingdom, Dream Land, Sarasaland, Grass Land, Desert Land, and Water Land combined. The Land of the Giants, Sky Land, and Ice Land combined were also of comparable size.

“Lemmy and Iggy Koopa, step forward.” The youngest of the Koopalings, Lemmy and Iggy were twins and did a great deal together. Iggy wore silly spectacles that served no practical purpose. They had hair the same color as Ludwig’s and green, spikeless shells. They commonly began and finished each other’s sentences.

Lemmy began, “Yes, King—”

“—Dad?” continued Iggy. “What do you—”

“—want us to—”

“—do?”

“I’ve always found Dark Land a dreary place,” said Bowser. “Use your magical scepters to put a little light on the subjects.”

“Okay, King Dad,” Lemmy and Iggy said in unison. “Whatever you say.” They ran to the Dark Land Warp Pipe while laughing.

“Roy Koopa, step forward.”

“Yes, King Dad,” said Roy. His red shell had a singular spike, and he always wore a red skullcap around his head that concealed his hair. He also always wore dark shades, whether or not the lighting warranted them.

“Use your scepter to knock some sense into Western Dino Land. Yoshi’s Island, the Donut Plains, and the Vanilla Dome are ripe for your picking‑on. Ludwig von Koopa and I shall control Cookie Mountain, Forest of Illusion, and Chocolate Island from the Valley of Koopa.”

“Yes sir, King Dad.” He ran to the Donut Plains Star Road.

“Okay, Ludwig. We have work to do.”

“Yes, indeed,” said Ludwig. “I’ll load the Kooping Supplies so we can work on the Doomship while raining a hail of Bullet Bills, Koopa-Troopas, and Chain Chomps onto the Cookie, Forest, and Chocolate Lands.”

“A delightfully evil son. For what more could a villain ask? Let’s get to work.”

“And one other thing.”

“What is it?”

“This is a cover‑up plan.”

Bowser was happy to hear this. “So! You have finally gotten that warp back together, eh?”

“Almost. My computer is finishing my half as we speak. MotherBrain and Dr. Wily are also nearly finished.”

Bowser laughed. “Excellent. Now, let’s go rain some terror upon those kingdoms. That’s the best way to celebrate.”

“Certainly.”

* * *

Control Room, within Tourian, Metroid (a.k.a. SR388), VideoLand.

Compared with Bowser and Ludwig, MotherBrain was in a rotten mood. She was a big brain in a glass jar. A brain stem extended from her enormous cerebellum to the bottom of her jar in back. A long, thick piece of skin, all that remained of her human flesh, stretched from a point near her cerebrum to the bottom of the jar in front. This skin was her face. Two connectors from her brain connected to the top of her face, and two others connected to her eyes. Her jar was full of life-support fluid. At the top of her jar, one hole was on the right and another was on the left. She could extend her tentacles through these to grasp objects or to shock objects. She also had three electrical connectors on top of her jar to emit shocks.

Not long ago, she had extracted herself and her minions—Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo—from Baseball World’s cellar, to which the N‑Team had sent them, and it had been difficult. “That meddling little Captain N keeps getting in my way, along with that putrid Princess Lana, stupid Simon Belmont, mechano-maniacal MegaMan, and shrimpy Kid Icarus. King Hippo, Eggplant Wizard, it is enough to drive me nuts.”

“Nuts?” Eggplant Wizard asked. “Why won’t it drive you vegetables?” He was an eggplant-shaped humanoid sorcerer with purple skin and one large eye. He wore a red cape. In his hand, he wielded a magical staff, his Veggie-Wand, which had a small sculpture of an eggplant on top. He could create fruits and vegetables intentionally or unintentionally, and he could also turn people into eggplants. However, his intelligence quotient was low.

MotherBrain used two of the electrical directors on top of her jar to transform a neural impulse into raw electricity and shock the Eggplant Wizard. “I’m not talking about that kind of nuts, you confounded idiot. Did I ever tell you fools about my origin?”

“No,” said King Hippo. He was a fat boxer who wore a crown on his head. He always wore boxing shorts, boots, and red boxing gloves. Like the Eggplant Wizard, he had little brain capacity.

“Good, because I feel like telling you. When I was born almost a thousand years ago, I came into existence as an actual human being. When that doctor in that hospital where I was born gave me a new type of measles vaccination, my central nervous system reacted violently. That vaccine had worked correctly on many other patients. However, the doctor had spiked it with something that should have killed me, since he knew I was to be a beautifully wicked being. In reaction to the tainted vaccine, most of my brain grew into the planet Metroid. Another portion, along with my brain stem, is inside my protective glass case. My face was stretched to what you see now. The rest of my body died. Today, years later, I still exist, thanks to this life-support system. Now, I have one vision: to conquer VideoLand.”

“But that meddling Captain N and his companions keep getting under your brain cells, right?” said King Hippo.

“Exactly. But I have an idea. Dr. Wily.”

“Yes, MotherBrain?” Dr. Wily, one of MotherBrain’s most valued assistants, retained his German accent. His only pronunciation error was occasionally pronouncing W’s as V’s. A late-middle-age human, he was about average height. The top of his head was bald with long gray hair around the edges, and he also had a white moustache. He always wore a clean lab-coat and a long, red tie with a light blue shirt and dark blue pants.

“Make me a handy-dandy time-travel device so that I can go back in time, seal the Ultimate Warp Zone, and keep Captain N out of our hair forever.”

“Let me see if I have the time-tubes. If so, then I can do it. Ha, ha!”

“Good. Eggplant Wizard.”

“Yes, Big MamaBrain?”

“You and King Hippo go to the Palace of Power and keep the N‑Team occupied. That’ll buy Dr. W. enough time to complete his time-travel device.”

“You want to buy time? Well, I can pay. Let me see if I have enough wooden nickels.”

“Oh, shut up, you simpering sap.”

“Hm. I guess you want sap, too, huh? Well, there are enough trees on KongoLand and Hyrule.”

“Just shut up and go keep the N‑Team occupied unless you want to be supper. Do you like the prospect of being the veggie plate for dinner tomorrow evening?”

“Ah, no thanks, MotherBrain.”

“In that case, I suggest that you go keep the N‑Team occupied. King Hippo, make sure that he does not screw up.”

“Yes, MotherBrain. One mistake out of him, and he’s tomato soup.”

“Just shut up and get going.” Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo left. “Those two idiots. I’ll be happy when I can finally afford to liquidate them. Dr. Wily, while they are out of our brain cells, we can now finish rewiring that warp.”

“I read you, MotherBrain. The computer is finishing our half, and Ludwig’s half is nearly complete.”

“Excellent, Wily.” As Metroid passed close by the Palace of Power, King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard warped there.

* * *

Forest of Illusion, Dinosaur Land, Mushroom World.

Meanwhile, the Mario Brothers, Princess Peach Toadstool, Toad, and Yoshi were having a picnic lunch. Mario and Luigi were a bit shorter than average. Mario was shorter and rounder than Luigi. Mario wore red overalls, Luigi green, and they both wore white gloves. They had black hair and black moustaches.

Toad was about one and a fourth meters (about four feet) tall. He wore a white hat with red spots. Most Mushroomians wore similar hats.

The blonde Princess Peach was average height for humans. Her mother had been human, and the genes for humans’ height were dominant over the genes for Mushroomians’ height. She wore a gold crown and a long, pink dress with a large, round emerald in the middle of her chest.

Yoshi was a small, green dinosaur about Peach’s height. He was two-legged and two-handed, like a brachiosaurus. He was afraid of many things, and he had not yet learned completely correct grammar.

Princess Peach was rather uneasy. “Old Bowser Koopa hasn’t tried anything in a long time, Princess,” said Mario. “What are you worried about?”

“I just can’t shake this horrible feeling that he’s going to cause more trouble very soon.” Just then, trouble in the guise of Ludwig von Koopa popped out of the nearby warp pipe. “Yaah!”

“You are quite correct, Princess Peach,” said Ludwig. “But I’m afraid that you are also quite too late, since my sinister siblings are now taking over the Mushroom World, including Western Dino Land. That just goes to show that you can’t keep a rotten-to-the-core Koopa cooped down in Koopa Valley. Or should I say eight rotten-to-the-core Koopas?” He laughed.

Luigi got out his last Cape Feather. The feather disappeared, but a yellow cape appeared on Luigi. “That’s what you think, Ludwig. As Caped Luigi, I’ll squash you before you can blast me with that scepter.”

“I invite you to attempt it.”

Luigi spin-jumped into the air. “Okay, von Koopa. Prepare to be liberated from your shell.” But when he landed on the Tortoisian, the spin-jump did no harm to Ludwig. Instead, it relieved Luigi of his Cape Power, and Luigi fell to the ground.

“Mama mia,” exclaimed Mario. “What happened?”

Ludwig laughed. “Permit me to enlighten you. I’m 19 years old. Once he reaches my age, a Koopa cannot be stomped. I am powerful, Mario. There is nothing here that you can use against me. Now, before I am forced to get rough with you, leap into that warp pipe to Neon Castle. I know you’re not keen on the idea, but the alternative is a Bob‑omb barrage.”

“Well, guys, there goes the picnic,” Toad said.

“Drat,” Yoshi said. “And Yoshi was ready to eat favorite: eggplant salad!”

“That won’t be a problem,” Ludwig said. “I know an eggplant: the Eggplant Wizard!”

“What are you talking about?” Luigi asked. “He’s in VideoLand, several light-years from here. How could you possibly bring him here?”

“My present plan is really a cover-up so I can reopen half of the principal warp zone leading from here to VideoLand. MotherBrain, among the most powerful villains in the universe, is working with her associate, Dr. Wily, to reopen the other half from Metroid. Best of all, yours truly is the genius that discovered how to reopen that warp and reposition the Mushroom World’s terminus at Neon Castle. Now then, I’ve suffered enough dawdling. Enter the pipe.”

“This will never work,” Peach said. “King Charles of VideoLand and my father sealed that warp years ago. It cannot be opened.”

“You’ll soon see that you are incorrect, Your Highness. Into the warp pipe.”

“Oh, all right,” said Mario. “I was just about to sink my teeth into a spaghetti sandwich.”

Ludwig snapped his fingers and produced a Bob‑omb, a small, round, bomb-shaped robot with red eyes, a key in his back, and two short arms and two short legs. “Into the bloody pipe, you food-loving fools. Now!” With gasps, the heroes leapt into the pipe.

* * *

Near Neon Castle, Valley of Koopa, Dinosaur Land, Mushroom World.

As Ludwig and his guests arrived at Neon Castle, MotherBrain’s holographic image appeared on the wall across from them. “So. These are the pasta-brained plumbers, the Mario Brothers?”

“Yes,” said Ludwig. “Luigi, the tall one in green, attempted to subdue me with a spinning assault, but he discovered that to do so is imprudent.”

“Indeed.”

Dr. Wily appeared in MotherBrain’s hologram. “Soon, MotherBrain, our half will be complete. And yours, Ludwig?”

“Just about.”

“Your solution to this problem was brilliant.”

“Thank you very much,” said Ludwig.

King Bowser Koopa emerged from the castle. He was pleased the instant he saw the Marios. “Good work, my boy. Ah, MotherBrain, how is Your Cerebral Magnificence?”

“Fine, thank you,” MotherBrain said. “And how is Your Reptilian Highness?”

“Fine. You have a way with words, MotherBrain.”

“Don’t you dare harm VideoLand, MotherBrain,” Peach said. “Captain N will—”

“He won’t be able to do a single darned thing about it, Princess Mushstool of the Toadroom World,” said MotherBrain. “As we bump our gums, my idiots, Eggplant and Hippo, are in the process of taking care of those N‑Team ignorami.”

“Forgive me for speaking out of bounds, Your Despicableness, but do you actually believe that those two incompetents can handle the N‑Team?” Ludwig asked.

“No, but it keeps the fools out of my hair. It’s certainly difficult to acquire slave labor these days.”

“Tell me about it,” said Koopa. “It’s getting so we can’t make a dishonest living anymore.”

“Boy, I believe that. Every scheme I conceive, the N‑Team gets in my brain cells. Whether I’m attempting to secure CastleVania, de‑myth Mount Icarus, or dismantle MegaLand, the N‑Team always gets in my way.”

“These Mario Brothers kept getting in our hair, too, whether we attempted to dehydrate Water Land, cut the Land of the Giants down to size, or melt Ice Land,” said Ludwig. “But now, we have Koopa-Kaptured them and are ready to Koopatize them.”

“What about your brothers and sister? How are they progressing in dividin’ and conquerin’ the Mushroom World?”

“It just might be a good idea to check up on the six little brats—I mean darlings,” Bowser said. “We’ll head upstairs to the communications center.”

“I’ll be a‑waitin’.”

* * *

Communications Center, within Neon Castle, Valley of Koopa, Dinosaur Land, Mushroom World.

“I see you have disposed of the Mario Brothers and that shrimpy princess in a proper barred receptacle,” said MotherBrain as Koopa and Ludwig entered.

“Barred receptacle,” said Ludwig. “That’s a good one, Your Brainy Magnificence.”

“You needn’t call me that around home. It’s much too formal. Just call me MotherBrain. Now, we shall see what is going on in the Mushroom World, or should I say what’s going down?”

Bowser laughed. “Indeed we shall, MB.” He activated the communications radio. “King Bowser Koopa calling Prince Larry Koopa in Dream Land. Come in.”

“Hearing you loud and clear, Dad,” said Larry. “What’s up?”

“How are you doing over there?”

Larry laughed. “You know about everyone here in the Mushroom Kingdom, Dream Land, Sarasaland, Grass Land, Desert Land, and Water Land.”

“Yeah. That area alone boasts a population of one hundred million Mushroomian citizens.”

“Not anymore. Now, it boasts a population of seventy-five million Tetris blocks, which all comprise my new castle, and twenty-five million citizens who are presently begging me and paying me tribute with all their worldly goods to restrain myself from making a spacious entry-hall to my castle.” He laughed.

“Great! Really rotten! Do you have any laws yet?”

“Yeah. Any beautiful girl who refuses to sleep with me becomes another Tetris block.”

“Excellent. Farewell.”

“Later, my evil father.”

“King Bowser Koopa to Morton. Come in, loud mouth.”

“Buenos días, Your Royal Greenness,” said Morton. “How are you doin’?”

“Fine. I called to see what’s happening in the Land of the Giants, Sky Land, and Ice Land. Please attempt to keep your explanation under the length of War and Peace this time.”

“Gotcha. You know that the terrestrial part of Sky Land and all of Giant Land are bordered by the water that flows from Ice Land?”

“Yes. What about it?”

“After creating an enormous dam bordering all three lands, I melted every last square nanometer of the Ice Land Glacier. Now, thanks to yours truly, the three lands are now collectively renamed Flood‑tropolis!”

“Ha, ha—hold on a sec. If you flooded all three kingdoms, where are you?”

“I have made myself a castle at the bottom-center of Flood‑tropolis. It is completely, totally, and entirely waterproof. My castle is made mostly of Mushroomians transformed into Tetris blocks. They almost enjoyed it because it meant that they would not drown to death.”

“I’m so glad to hear that. Ha, ha! See you later.” He cut the channel. “King Koopa calling Wendy. Come in, my delightfully demented daughter.”

“This is your humble, loving daughter, King Dad,” Wendy said without a trace of sarcasm. “Which do you want to hear first, the good news or the excellent news?”

“Well, by all means, the good news first, my dear.”

“The good news is that Pipe Land is now transformed to Mirror City. I changed all the pipes into gigantic mirrors, just like you said I could.”

Bowser laughed. “Okay. Now the excellent news, sweetie.”

“I changed all the ninety-six million citizens of Pipe Land into Tetris mirror blocks. Practically three quarters of my new Tetrad-castle is made of mirror-stone so I can see myself wherever I look. And as an added bonus, all that icky, untreated water is now flowing directly into the Mushroom Sea, where it will kill off those disgusting dolphins that delight the Mushroomians so much.”

“I’ve never seen any rottenness done rottener. Good work, doll. Now, I’ll leave you to your best possible house guest.”

“Who’s that?”

“Your reflection, dear,” he said, knowing that the way to his daughter’s heart was through her vanity. “Over and out. Now, we’ll see what those two twin-youngsters of mine are doing. If it’s nearly this good, I’ll substantially augment their allowance. King Koopa calling Iggy and Lemmy. Respond, please.”

“Hey, King Dad,” said Iggy.

“I trust that what you have done is cleverly devious.”

“Even worse,” Lemmy said. “You know how all the Mushroomians in Dark Land aren’t, shall we say, used to light.” Everyone in Dark Land was painfully photosensitive.

“Yeah.”

“Well, following your suggestion,” said Iggy, “we put the biggest, brightest sun up above Dark Land, and everyone ran blind.”

“Now, all of them are Tetris blocks composing our deviously comedic castle,” Lemmy said. “We have a ton of whimsical traps lying in wait for any plumber that decides to stop by.”

Bowser laughed. “Great. Have fun, kiddies. Now, to call Roy and see what he’s up to. King Koopa calling Roy. Are you there, cool boy?”

“Yes, King Dad,” said Roy. “You should be here. I have transformed all these stupid cave Mushroomians into Tetris blocks and composed a dangerously cool castle with them. Bubbling Podoboos in every square centimeter of my lava pit, falling spikes in the spike pit, and even a long set of Giganto-Spikes near my room. And all that is easy compared to some other traps that I have set up. The snake-platform over the lava pit is shorter and quicker than last time. I’d just like to see a dumb plumber enter my castle.”

“Great,” said Bowser. “Keep up the good work, Roy.”

“I sure will, green Daddy. Over and out.”

Koopa switched off the radio and turned to Ludwig. “And what about you, my fiendish Ludwig von Koopa?”

“I have transformed all the cave Mushroomians on Cookie Mountain to Tetrads, all the goody-goody critters in the Forest of Illusion into Metroids, and the dinosaurs on Chocolate Island into lava,” Ludwig said.

“I love Metroids.”

“I even made ’em so they won’t go after any bad guys.”

“Even better.”

“Shucks,” said MotherBrain. “I was hoping to feed Eggplant Wizard to ’em. Oh, well.”

Dr. Wily’s hologram appeared. “Our half is finished.”

“I’ve just about finished,” Ludwig said. A bell sounded from elsewhere within the castle. “Wait a minute. That tells me I should head for my lab and examine my device. I shall not be long.” As Ludwig was leaving, his laughing voice faded.

“This is the ultimate Koopa-Kaper, MotherBrain,” Bowser said. “All my vile Koopalings have devious plots, and I’m proud of all seven of them.”

Elated, Ludwig returned. “Father, I do believe that the feat has been accomplished.”

“Good. Now for the test. Have you the Koopa-Troopa shell?”

“Yes, I have it,” Ludwig said, holding up a small red shell. “MotherBrain, wherever your end of the warp is, go to it and look for this red Koopa-Troopa shell to come out.”

“I certainly shall,” said MotherBrain. “Come on, Dr. Wily.” MotherBrain and Dr. Wily went to their end of the warp, while Ludwig and Bowser went to theirs.

Ludwig tossed the shell in. “That’s that. Time to get back and determine whether they have it.”

Back in the communications center, MotherBrain’s image held up the Koopa-Troopa shell. “We’ve done it. VideoLand and the Mushroom World are ours!”

“Excellent, my comrades,” said Bowser. “My son, call the other six Koopalings here to the throne room for a family conference.”

“Yes, Dad,” Ludwig replied. He activated the radio. “Attention, all Koopalings. This is big brother Ludwig. Please report to King Dad’s throne room in Neon Castle for a family meeting. Ludwig out.”

* * *

King Bowser Koopa’s Throne Room, Neon Castle.

All eight members of the devious family had soon gathered in the throne room. “I hope this is important, King Dad,” Wendy said. “I was admiring myself.”

“Sorry, Wendy,” Bowser said. “I have wonderful news. Ludwig and Dr. Wily have finally reopened the warp between Metroid and Neon Castle.”

Ludwig’s siblings all cheered.

“The test proved that it works. Now, MotherBrain and her underlings can feast their eyes on your evilly, wonderfully despicable work, and we can aid her in getting rid of the N‑Team and conquering VideoLand.”

* * *

July 16.

Kid Icarus’s Room, Palace of Power, VideoLand.

The next morning, at the Palace of Power, Kid Icarus was reading the morning edition of a twice-a-day newspaper in Italian whose title meant Mount Icarus Times: all of MotherBrain’s and Medusa’s Evil Secrets in Print in English. It truthfully revealed what its title indicated, the most diabolical goings‑on of MotherBrain, Medusa, and other villains. Understandably, the sources and writers were all anonymous, and for months they had avoided retribution.

Upon finishing an article, Kid Icarus inhaled sharply. “Oh, no‑icus! Bowser Koopa‑cus and MotherBrain have reopened the warp between VideoLand and the Mushroom World. I must tell Kevin‑icus and Princess Lana before it’s too late.” Kid Icarus was a small, red-haired humanoid with wings on his back. He was about the same height as Toad when standing on the ground. He wore a white toga and sandals.

“Too late for what, Kid Icarus?” asked MegaMan, entering the room. He was an android, not much taller than Kid Icarus but very strong. Most of his body armor was a light blue. His boots, shorts, and gloves, though, were dark blue, as was his helmet. He had blue eyes and black hair, though his helmet completely concealed his hair.

“Too late for us to defend VideoLand from MotherBrain‑icus and those Koopas.”

“What? Do you mean to say that they have unsealed the warp between VideoLand and the Mushroom World? Her Highness told me that it couldn’t be done.”

“Exactly.”

“We must spread word immediately.”

* * *

Throne Room, Palace of Power, VideoLand.

Kid Icarus and MegaMan ran into the throne room and related the newspaper’s tale to Princess Lana.

“Oh, no,” said Lana. “The thought that the Koopas and MotherBrain have finally unsealed the warp between VideoLand and the Mushroom World.” The brown-haired, green-eyed princess was slightly taller than average height and healthily slender. Her dress was in two pieces. The top piece showed her midriff, while the lower part covered the waist down to the legs. The left side of the dress went only halfway down the leg, while the right side went down almost to the knee, and from right to left, it slanted upwards. She also wore boots. Her outfit was pink and white. The only part of the arms that it covered was the shoulders. She wore a tiara and two bracelets, each with an emerald stone set into them. Her hair was so long that it came about halfway down her back.

“Quite tragic, isn’t it?” asked Kid Icarus, quite concerned.

Simon Belmont did not bother to stifle his yawn. “Do not worry, Your Highness.” He got out his mirror and admired himself. “Handsome Simon will defend you from Koopa.” He was tall, dark, and passably handsome with blonde hair, blue eyes, a blue coat, brown pants, brown gloves, and brown boots. He used to wear a leather outfit, but when he left CastleVania, his homeland, and came to live at the Palace of Power, he found his present clothing at a shop and found it to be of better quality. He also had a backpack in which he kept everything, for it was magical and bottomless. His primary weapon was his whip, which he kept coiled on the right side of his belt.

Captain N, whom his friends knew as Kevin, was more polite than Simon. He was brown-haired and blue-eyed, and he wore a red, white-sleeved jacket with a black N on the left side of the front. He also wore a yellow short-sleeved shirt underneath the jacket, blue jeans, sneakers, and a belt that held his Power Pad and Zapper. The Power Pad was just like an NES control pad, except it had eight green lights across the top to indicate the power level for the pad and the Zapper, since the Power Pad and Zapper shared the same power source. The Power Pad had a black cross-pad on the right side, which would zip Kevin in the direction that he pressed on it. There were two black, rectangular buttons in the middle of the pad. The one to the right was labeled ‘Select,’ the one to the left ‘Start.’ He could use both of these to stop time for a few seconds on whomever he wished. On the left side of the pad were two red circular buttons. The one to the right was labeled ‘B,’ the one to the left ‘A.’ The A button defaulted to jumping him high, and the B button defaulted to making him run extremely fast, but he could tell them to do something else if he wanted to. The Zapper was shaped just like an NES Zapper, much like a pistol with a long barrel. The handle was gray, and the barrel was bright orange.

Kevin found Lana’s whole being attractive—not just her body, but her soul as well. However, he restrained himself from acting like a jerk to try to steal her heart. He was between Lana and Simon’s heights, and he was still growing a little bit. “I’m sure you will, Simon. I’ve played Super Mario Brothers enough times to find out that Bowser is a tough guy. I haven’t played Super Mario Brothers 3 yet, so I don’t know a lot about the Koopalings, but I’ll find out about them soon. Having played Metroid a lot when I first got here, I knew MotherBrain was no tomato.”

Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo barged in through an air duct. “You say tomato?” said Eggplant Wizard. “I’ve got some.”

“Use your rottenest tomatoes, Eggplant Wizard,” said King Hippo. “Then, I’ll show ’em the real meaning of knock-out. Ha, ha, ha!”

Kid Icarus drew two arrows from his quiver. “I might have a pair of love arrows with your names on them, and, if you toss your tomatoes at us, I might have to shoot you.”

“Love arrows?” said King Hippo.

“For us?” Eggplant Wizard said.

“Let’s get out of here!” The two ran to the nearest warp to Metroid.

“Did you really have love arrows, Kid Icarus?” Kevin asked.

“Sure didn’t, Kevin‑icus. Those two are stupidus maximus.”

Simon admired himself once more. “I could have done better myself.”

“Sure.” To himself: “Stupidicus maximus.”

MegaMan laughed. “How those mega-idiots mega-ran!”

“If they hadn’t,” Kevin said, “I bet Duke could have given them a mega-bite.” He was referring to his dog, Duke, a white-haired canine with brown spots. He came up to his master’s knees in height.

MegaMan laughed. “Mega-bite. Good one, Captain N.”

* * *

Control Room, Metroid.

As soon as Eggplant and Hippo had related their flight to MotherBrain, she railed against them. “You two are fools. Did you really believe Kid Icarus?”

“Yes, MotherBrain,” Eggplant Wizard said.

MotherBrain shocked them both with a lightning bolt from an electrical director on top of her glass jar. “Fools! They tricked you. They can’t fool my super-brain. Ludwig von Koopa and Dr. Wily have just reopened the warp between here and the Mushroom World. The Koopas are about to arrive.”

At that moment, Dr. Wily guided the Koopas into the room. “MotherBrain, may I present the Koopa family.”

“Good day, Your Brainy Magnificence,” Bowser said.

“Greetings, Your Scaly Magnificence. Welcome to Metroid, everyone.”

“Thank you,” said Ludwig. “Ah, King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard. I bet you two bozos messed this up, as usual.”

“Oh, how would you know, stupid kid?” asked King Hippo.

Ludwig drew his sceptre and fried King Hippo. “I would advise you to watch whom you’re calling stupid, you incompetent.”

King Hippo howled with pain. “Okay! Okay! I get your drift. Just stop it.” Ludwig stopped. “Whew! Thanks, kid.”

“My name’s Ludwig von Koopa, and being a mad, mad Koopa scientist is my game.”

“Not to mention being quite a prodigy for his age,” Bowser said. “He shot through all twelve years of school and all four years of undergraduate college by the time he was eight years old.” Of course, Bowser did not admit that Ludwig and Larry both had rebelled against his evil early in their lives. However, later, they nearly crushed the Mushroom World on his behalf, so he did not hold their rebellion against them.

“Impressive,” MotherBrain said. “We need all the ideas we can get to conquer and control VideoLand.”

“Tell me, MotherBrain, how did you get to be so beautiful?” asked Wendy. “Can you tell me how to become as beautiful as you?”

“I would be delighted. You must be Princess Wendy O. Koopa. Your father has told me about you. Your deeds and those of your siblings make me proud.”

“Until now, those idiot Marios have foiled my Koopa-Kapers, but no longer,” Bowser said. “Now, they are my prisoners in Neon Castle.”

“It’s the same way with me,” said MotherBrain. “Whatever I do, that N‑Team has to get under my glass. There is just one thing you must remember. Metroid is my nerve-control center. My brain waves are tuned to it. In essence, whatever happens to it happens to me.”

“We’ll keep that in mind,” Larry said. “I am Larry Koopa, cheater extraordinaire.”

“Indeed. You’re just as intelligent as Ludwig.”

“I like doing rotten schemes and cheating Mushroom citizens. I also consider myself to be the emperor of eavesdropping. Hee, hee, hee!”

“I love to talk a lot,” Morton said, “and I love to out‑talk anyone; and, besides—”

“Shut up before you get on a blasted roll, loud-mouth,” yelled Bowser. “Some others would like to speak!”

“So, he talks a lot?” said MotherBrain.

“Yes. However, I’m just as proud of him as I am of any other of my Koopalings. I’m glad that Tetris blocks are in style for castles this year. Hee, hee, hee!”

“I consider myself a beauty princess,” Wendy said. “But, MotherBrain, I consider you a beauty queen—no, the beauty queen!”

“Why, thanks,” said MotherBrain. “You are beautiful yourself, you know. We’ll get along just fine. What about the twins?”

Lemmy began, “We’re young—”

“—we’re energetic—” continued Iggy.

“—and we just love to trip up any Mushroomians who get in our way!” The two laughed, and MotherBrain joined in.

“A funny pair, eh?” MotherBrain said.

“Yeah,” Bowser said. “A real load of laughs.”

“What about you, Roy?”

“Well, brain-queen, I just love to bully Mushroomians in several ways.”

“You can beat up that shrimpy little Kid Icarus as often as you want. And you, Ludwig?”

“I love making all manner of kooky good-guy traps,” Ludwig said. “You should see my mind-boggling castle. It is a challenging maze with two sides, tons of traps, and a chamber door that’s nearly impossible to reach.”

“Wow,” Bowser said. “You didn’t tell me that, my evil one.”

“You all simply must see it some time. I even added a Metroid-trap for any good guy who gets too close, and anyone must pass through there in order to reach my strategic chamber. I even made myself a Clowncar.”

“Ha, ha! How good is it? Is it better than the one Mario destroyed?”

“It is able to withstand 100 Mechakoopa hits.”

“Excellent. How many attacks have you dreamt up?”

“I have programmed fifty distinct maneuvers.”

“Fifty? That’s great.” The Koopalings praised Ludwig with applause.

“I humbly accept your generous praise, my siblings,” said Ludwig.

MotherBrain laughed. “I guess we ought to hide out there, huh, King Bowser?”

“Yes,” Bowser said. “I thought someone might do such a great job, so I didn’t prepare Neon Castle.”

“Hey,” King Hippo said. “Let’s put a bunch of punching traps at the opening chamber.”

“That is an excellent suggestion,” said Ludwig. “However, I have already thought of that and integrated that in my castle. I shall name that chamber, ‘Boxing Lessons with King Hippo.’ ”

“Ah,” Dr. Wily said. “I have my first thirty-two devious Robot Masters. Let’s put them in a chamber right before yours.”

“Now that is a hair-brained plan of which I did not think. Let’s do it.”

“It sounds like the N‑Team is about to become the S‑Team,” MotherBrain said.

“The S‑Team?” Eggplant Wizard asked.

“Yes. ‘S’ for ‘stumped.’ ” When she laughed, Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo joined in.

Using her scepter, Wendy zapped the two minions. “Leave the laughing to us, virus-sized-brains.”

“You think their brains are that big?” MotherBrain asked. She and Wendy laughed.

“Not even the N‑Team and the Mario Brothers would be able to find their way through my castle,” Ludwig said. “I have memorized each and every single trap and path through my castle and embedded it in my mind so that the solutions to the puzzles would be as apparent to me as a sore thumb. The castle contains many trap-laden chambers, and I put not even one of those stinking Midway Gates anywhere in my castle. The do‑gooders will have to get past all of the tough guys before me even if I do decide to put a gate there.”

“And I doubt that you will need any help,” MotherBrain said.

“Precisely. I may not need my intricately designed castle, but I want to stump those intellectually inferior good guys. And, since I memorized every nook and cranny in my castle, it should not take long before we, despicable villains that we are, become rulers of the Mushroom World and VideoLand.”

MotherBrain laughed to herself. “I have a cute little twist, Ludwig. I suggest that we take both Princess Peach and Princess Lana and hold them as hostages in the castle. That way, we will have power to hold threats.”

“Great idea, you luscious lump of brain matter,” Bowser said. “I love the way you handle things.”

“Uh, oh,” Lemmy said. “Don’t tell me King Dad’s mushing out.”

“My dear little brother,” said Ludwig, “I do believe that the proper expression is, ‘falling in love.’ Are you, Dad?”

“I am,” Bowser said.

“As am I,” said MotherBrain.

MotherBrain and Bowser knew that they loved each other, even without a period of courtship. They already knew each other because they corresponded in writing and in visual communication ever since the warp between the Mushroom World and VideoLand was originally closed. And they could give the responsibility of running things to Ludwig. He had made many tactical suggestions to Bowser. When Bowser followed them, the victories were astounding, but when Bowser failed to follow them, he wound up getting trounced by the Marios.

“Will you marry me, MotherBrain?” Bowser asked.

“Certainly. I thought you’d never ask, my dear hunk of a reptile.”

“Oh, dear,” said Dr. Wily. “MotherBrain is falling in love.”

“How could anyone love you, MotherBrain?” King Hippo asked. “You’re too ugly.” He realized his error too late. “Oops.”

“Say what?” demanded MotherBrain, picking him up around the waistline with a tentacle.

“You’re beautiful. No, you’re gorgeous! You knock me out.”

“My, my, how sweet of you, King Hippo. Allow me to follow through by knocking you out.” She released him. He fell on top of Eggplant Wizard with a loud splat.

“Go on a diet,” said Eggplant Wizard.

“Aw, shaddup,” King Hippo complained.

“Shut up, both of you,” said MotherBrain. “My despicably evil reptile, shall we get married in CastleVania tomorrow?”

“What?” asked Dr. Wily. “Wedding plans already? I have nothing suitable. No problem, though. I shall use my robotic tailor.” He removed a computer control from his pocket and typed in some commands.

“I cherish the thought, my dear,” Bowser said. “We shall make wedding plans. Do you think Ludwig should assist?”

“Certainly. Do you wish to aid us in our decisions, Ludwig?”

“I should say so,” Ludwig said. “A few ideas are swimming into my head right now.”

“Great. Larry, inform the newspapers. The e‑mail address book is on that table over there.”

“I shall, soon-to-be Queen MotherBrain Koopa,” Larry said.

“Thank you. Come into my planning room, Bowser and Ludwig. Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo, I assure you that if we are interrupted by either of you two, you both shall face certain dire consequences.”

Eggplant Wizard said, “We understand, Your Wrinkledness.” MotherBrain zapped him. “Yow! Why did you do that, MB?”

“Don’t mention the word wrinkles in reference to me. They’re beauty lines.”

“If either of you two foolish twits says anything to the contrary,” said Wendy, “I shall zap you with my scepter.”

“Your threat is understood loud and clear,” said King Hippo.

“It is not a threat but a most sincere promise, King Hippo.”

“Understood, Princess Wendy.”

“Yes,” said MotherBrain. “Your first good idea this lifetime, King Hippo. From now on, you two bozos shall address these seven marvelous Koopalings as Prince or Princess, depending on gender. Understand? I would appreciate it if you did so, too, Dr. Wily.”

“With pleasure, my wicked leader,” said Dr. Wily.

“So, Princess Roy, do you love torturing the Mushroomians?” Eggplant Wizard asked.

Roy zapped the vegetable idiot with a grand shock from his scepter and caused a ton of vegetables to pop out of him. “That is Prince Roy, electron-sized brain. ‘Prince’ is masculine; ‘Princess’ is feminine, and it is only to be used with Wendy.”

“I don’t think the fool even has a brain,” MotherBrain said.

Eggplant Wizard said, “That is correct, Thy Most Beauty‑lined‑ful‑ness. I have no brain.” Ludwig knocked on Eggplant Wizard’s head, which sounded hollow. He then peeked in Eggplant Wizard’s ear.

“Hm. He has none in the sense of intelligence. He only has enough of a brain to hold what is needed for life functions, but no larger.” Ludwig, MotherBrain, and Roy laughed.

Eggplant Wizard began to laugh, but Larry shocked him. “Leave the laughter to someone with intelligence, idiot.”

“Er, uh, yes, Prince Larry,” Eggplant Wizard whimpered.

“All right, my friends,” said MotherBrain. “I only abuse these two to a certain extent each day. King Hippo, go downstairs and tell Ridley of our plans. Wily, you may invite ProtoMan. Bowser and Ludwig, let us begin planning. Larry, do the calling. There shall soon be a wedding! Hoo, hoo!”